“Do you ever feel like you’re only doing things because everyone else is? And you’re scared to change? Or do something that might confuse or surprise people? Your real personality has been buried inside you for a really long time.”
Back in episode two, Olivia Colman as Nick’s mom observed of Charlie to Nick: “Charlie seems like a lovely boy. He’s very different from your other friends. You seem much more yourself around him.” And then in episode three, Nick confides to Charlie about his usual group of friends: “I don’t know if I want to hang out with those guys anymore. I’d rather hang out with you anyway.” Then by episode four, we agonizingly see how much Nick’s usual group of friends bury the part of him that is himself, his real personality, and how he no longer seems to actually fit together with his friend group. Episode four is a really hard episode to watch, because so much of it focuses on the secret that Nick is asking Charlie to keep, how Nick agonizes over wanting to be with Charlie while living up to the expectations of his other friends, how much Charlie works to honor Nick’s request only to see that he’s messing it up anyway, and how much Tao notices how lousy it is that Nick is unable to be his real self around others and how that messes with Charlie’s feelings. Episode four was the first episode that dwelled on these challenges and conflicts in an almost pessimistic but meaningful way, concluding the episode on a dour note devoid of any visual cues that point towards a hopeful way forward.
However, in episode five, “Friend,” the first scene where we see Nick and Charlie reunited on screen together following the devastating rugby match from last episode, is in that room we’ve come to know so well: their form classroom that always seems to be lit in bright sunshiny hues, a particularly golden wall frequently featured in the background, a room of warmth and comfort. We see Nick’s real personality on full display whenever he’s in this room with Charlie, even from the first moment we met Nick in episode one. And while episode four spent some necessary time tormenting us with how much Nick’s real personality gets buried when he’s with his rugby friends, it is in episode five where we get to learn—without a doubt—that his real personality is allowed to shine with an unexpected group of friends, a group of outcasts, as Tao described themselves in episode one, and his real personality becomes a glimmeringly hopeful shine that assures us that things will get better. But change can still be hard, as we will see.
The episode opens with Isaac, Tao, Elle, and Charlie playing Monopoly at Charlie’s house, and it ends in the way all Monopoly games end, throwing the board up in the air and calling it a draw. Later on, Tao and Elle have a private moment together, and Tao is agonizing over how to tell Charlie that Nick is going on a date with Imogen, also commenting that he just doesn’t like Nick: “I’ve seen him with those nasty year 11s at the school gate. If they say anything mean to Charlie, I’m going to crush them!” I’ve previously commented on Tao’s desire to protect Charlie, and while his “crush them” comment is characteristically theatrical hyperbole from Tao that we’ve come to expect from him, we’ll actually see him really step up how much he sticks up for Charlie in front of the bullies in this episode and the next two. For example, later on in this episode as Charlie and Tao are leaving the school gate, Harry throws some bric-a-brac at both of them, and Tao, undeterred, advances on him, hilariously calling him colorful insults inspired by male anatomy, “dicknozzle” and “rich bellend.”
While this desire to stand up to the bullies and protect Charlie is partly born out of Tao’s inner conflict to resist how the friend group has changed, this conflict (as with Nick’s inner conflict to keep his relationship with Charlie a secret) begins to affect Charlie’s ability to be more openly honest with Tao, an inability that will approach a breaking point next episode and then completely unravel in episode seven. Charlie also becomes worried that standing up to the bullies will force Nick to have to make a decision sooner than he’s comfortable: to fully join the group of outcasts and completely renounce the group of friends that he feels he no longer fits into. But Tao remains adamant that Nick can look after himself and is frustrated that Charlie can’t see that he’s just trying to protect him. The fact that both of these two main conflicts of the series begin to directly converge upon Charlie is a lot to place on him, especially when he is so inclined to think everything is his fault, apologizing for things that he has no control over. This will all come to a heartbreaking climax in episode seven and into episode eight where, as I’ve previously mentioned, the limits of friendship and love are brought to a nearly irreversible breaking point.
Soon we learn that it is Charlie’s birthday on Saturday, and Charlie asks Tao, Elle, and Isaac if it’s okay if he invites Nick, cautiously worrying that he didn’t want to make things awkward. Isaac, ever the romantic, positively remarks, “I assumed he was coming anyway!” while Elle says it wouldn’t be awkward, even though she shares a knowing, private glance to Tao, secretly acknowledging that Charlie is falling for someone who is going on a date with someone else. When we catch up with Nick and Charlie in form, Charlie sweetly taps Nick’s hand with his pinky (a moment that delicately echos the first time their hands touched in episode three), and asks Nick if he’d like to come to his birthday. Resoundingly, Nick exclaims, “Yes!” that he’ll come, Nick’s true personality shining through, unashamedly expressing joy with Charlie in a way Ben never would have. While episode four had me so worried that Nick may be unable to allow his real personality to resurface after how much the rugby lads bury it, in this tiny moment, Nick beaming as he looks forward to seeing Charlie at his birthday, rekindled my hope that things might turn out alright after all, especially since the scene takes place in the room we know signifies comfort, truth, and warmth, their form classroom, lit—as usual—in reassuring golden hues.
In fact, Nick is so excited to go to Charlie’s birthday that Harry has to remind him that he has a date with Imogen on that same day, and Nick yet again has a hard time telling Imogen the truth about how he feels about her after she reveals that her dog died the previous night. Nick talks through all this with his mum, and we are treated to another lovely scene between Kit Connor and Olivia Colman. As I mentioned in my response to episode two, it is such a delight when these two share the screen together, and this scene is no exception to that. I feel that this scene in particular also demonstrably shows what such a lovely mum Nick’s mum is, not that that was in any doubt before this moment. “You shouldn’t go out with someone because you feel sorry for them,” she sagely advises Nick. In many ways, Nick’s mum is exactly the same mentor character Nick has that Charlie has in Mr. Ajayi, and it’s so lovely that both Nick and Charlie have such amazing humans in their lives.
Most of the rest of the episode focuses on Charlie’s birthday party at a bowling alley. And while there are some moments of tension that happen during the party that I’ll talk about (tensions that actually help Nick to reassess not only what he’s asking of Charlie but also what he’s asking of himself to remain closeted), for the most part the whole celebration is just such an amazing, well, celebration of love and friendship, which is exactly what we need after episode four dwelled so much on how tortured Nick is about what he’s doing to Charlie, making him keep secrets, and what he’s doing to himself, staying closeted. And so, Charlie’s party allows us to witness Nick’s growing realization about who he is and how he begins to navigate towards truth and honesty, beginning to allow his real personality to shine even in the presence of his other friend group.
Before we get to the parts of the party that are the celebration, let’s talk about the tension first. We’re immediately reminded of Tao’s inner conflict of resisting the changing friend group when he begrudgingly—through gritted teeth—groans, “I’ll try,” after Charlie implores him to try to get to know Nick, adding more fuel to Charlie’s fears that he can’t be as honest with Tao anymore. There’s another moment where Tao rolls his eyes when Nick and Charlie almost hug after Nick bowls a strike, and Tao’s frustration boils over so much that he corners Charlie in the toilet, pleading that he “stop this thing” with Nick, revealing that Nick’s going on a date with Imogen, and that he doesn’t like seeing Nick “mess with him.” Charlie actually seems legitimately worried that Nick really is messing with him, but it’s important to remember that Nick is forced into difficult decisions that negatively affect not only him, but Tao and Charlie, too, because we live in a messed up world where people have no choice but to live in secrets and lies. But Charlie knows the real Nick better than anyone. “He’s my friend,” Charlie pitifully yet impassionedly presses, but Tao still counters that he will be so angry if Nick is even slightly mean to him. This is all such a horrible place that Charlie is forced into, and it’s heartbreaking to watch.
Unbeknownst to either of them as they have the conversation, Nick actually overhears all of this, and the look of worry on Nick’s face adds to all the heartbreak already being dished out. Later on, Nick and Tao will have their first private moment of the series together, and Tao remarks, “I don’t know if this thing with Charlie is a joke or not, but for some reason he really likes you, and you’re messing with him, and I will not tolerate it. So consider this your final warning.” It is a really harsh moment, but after watching the tortured looks on Nick’s face last episode when he was unable to comfort a broken Charlie on the rugby pitch, Tao’s comment helps Nick to understand not only the weight of the secret he’s asking Charlie to keep but also the frustration he is starting to cause himself by remaining closeted. “Yeah, you’re right. You’re a good friend,” Nick admits.
In episode eight, Mr. Ajayi will counsel Charlie: “When I was at school, I thought that hiding from it all was safer, easier. But sometimes the loneliness was just as bad. Don’t let anyone make you disappear.” Mr. Ajayi’s words will be just as helpful in episode eight to Charlie as they are now to Nick in episode five. And while Tao’s tough love isn’t really similar to Mr. Ajayi’s eloquently sage advice, both remarks help point to the only way forward for Nick: being true to one’s own self and coming out of the closet, as treacherous and scary and terrifying as that can be. And believe me, it is terrifying. But remaining untrue to oneself scarcely bears thinking about, and it is far lonelier and darker than the rooms that Ben forced Charlie to see him in.
And so, outwards it is, for Nick! As I promised back in my response to episode one, each episode of this series will shine a bright light on a touching moment that persistently champions a promise of a hopeful future where things will get better and things will be the way they ought to be. But first, Nick has to clear up things with Charlie about Imogen. While they are having a private moment in the arcade, Nick reveals that he heard everything that Tao and Charlie said in the toilet, and he promises to make it right with Imogen, telling her that he doesn’t like her in that way, uttering the “s-word” (sorry) twice. Charlie asks, “Isn’t that what you always tell me not to say?” recalling their first vulnerable moment together back in episode one, and Nick responds, “But I’ve actually done something bad.” Nick’s observation that it’s necessary to apologize when something is directly their fault is something that Charlie hasn’t quite learned yet, even when we reach episode eight. But I hope that one day Nick’s example will help Charlie feel less responsible for things out of his control.
And then, in a touching moment of many, Nick asks Charlie to open the present he brought him. He confesses that he didn’t have time to buy him anything, resorting to something handmade instead, but it is the sweetest gift a boy could ever want: a framed image of both of them with Nick’s dog, Nellie, all lying together in the snow, that impossible moment from episode two showing two boys having not only an incredibly happy time but a lovingly charming time, a moment where it was clear something special was happening between both of them. And as I wrote for episode two, this moment not only imprinted an indelibly happy memory within me but also within Nick who reveals, “That was just one of my favorite days ever,” and the look of happiness on Charlie’s face confirms that he feels the same. “I really like you,” Nick declares to Charlie. And, in another moment for the ages, Nick lets Charlie kiss him right in the arcade where others might see them. It is just such a bright, shining moment that so clearly reveals not only Nick’s bravery in the face of a messed up world, but his willingness to listen to Tao’s tough love that—for reasons out of his control—he was messing Charlie around. But no longer. This is the moment we know that Nick knows who he is, who he likes, and who he wants to be.
Charlie’s birthday party ends in a montage where everyone is having just such an incredible time. And we also get to see much clearer clues how much Tao and Elle really care for each other, whimsically animated hearts and stars flitting about Tao and Elle as they play a space alien game in the arcade. We’ll get to touch more on this in the remaining three episodes, but it’s an important moment to note between Tao and Elle all the same.
Sadly, Nick has one difficult task to perform, however: meeting Imogen to tell her that he doesn’t like her as a girlfriend, having canceled their date via text message at Charlie’s birthday. Nick and Imogen meet on a park bench where he reveals his feelings and that—as I’ve written about previously—his real self has been buried. He reveals that not only does he not feel he fits well with Imogen but also, tellingly, other people in their friend group. The first time I watched this, I had missed that he said he also felt he didn’t fit with his friend group and not just Imogen, as I was feeling so heartbroken for both Nick and Imogen in this moment. But here he is acknowledging out loud to someone in his friend group that he feels he no longer fits within that group. While this is all such a sad moment, it is a necessary one for Nick to take as he begins to take steps out of the closet. And both Kit Connor and Rhea Norwood play this scene so delicately and so sensitively that it is difficult to be distracted from their masterful performances.
All of this said, I do find myself feeling a need to offer a little bit a criticism about how these 14- and 15-year-olds behave, and it is that they seem to be behaving more like well-adjusted 30- and 40-year-olds rather than rash, undeveloped teenagers. I wouldn’t expect teenagers to take heartbreak so delicately and calmly as we see Imogen, nor be able to see Nick express his emotions so eloquently. In the same token, however, these characters provide teenagers and, indeed, people of all ages exemplary role models to follow, to look up to, and to admire. And I’d much rather watch teenagers behaving like adults than most any other television. So I suppose I’m praising with faint damnations, as it were, and maybe I don’t really have a problem with this after all.
And so it’s onwards and outwards for Nick, who made great strides this episode, as we see him finding solutions to his inner conflict, as challenging as that has been. As his mum remarked back in episode two, Nick really is more himself around a group of outcasts rather than his regular group of friends, and here we see his real self on full, unedited display. But we still have three episodes left, and some of the darkest moments are yet to come… but also some of the brightest…
Final musings for episode 5:
- I mentioned in my final musings last time that William Gao really comes into his own as Tao during episode four, and in episode five Gao continues to expertly develop a kind of underplayed theatricality to Tao’s character, first when he dances for Elle in Charlie’s bedroom, his angular features drawn into sharp focus as he awkwardly dances. (Doesn’t one of his dances look like the “drunk giraffe” as performed by Matt Smith’s Dr. Who?) And then later on at the bowling alley he sarcastically comments about his lanky arms, “I’m a very muscular individual!” or when he’s destroying aliens during a video game at the arcade with Elle, he proudly remarks, “I was born to kill aliens!” These are just a few moments of many that made me fall in love with Tao’s energetic and unashamedly geeky personality. That said, I still don’t understand what twerking is and why it’s a thing.
- I had commented in episode one about Nick’s use of the word ass in regards to, “I’ll kick his ass,” rather than, “I’ll kick his arse.” And then in this episode, while Tao is “twerking,” apparently, he exclaims in a generic American accent, “Work that ass!” So maybe ass is catching on in the UK in ways I wasn’t aware of. But if anyone can let me know for sure, that would be helpful. Thanks.
- During Nick’s chat with his mum, his mum reassures Nick, “Don’t worry. The right girl [emphasis mine] will come along, just you wait.” We’ll return to that comment in my response to episode eight.
- When Nick first sees Elle at the bowling alley, he remarks to Charlie, “I feel like I know her from somewhere.” While I’m almost inclined to complain about the writing being a bit sloppy here (Nick literally just saw her at the rugby match last episode!) I think Nick’s forgetful memory has more to do with how anxious he was about the match as well as his anxieties about Charlie’s friends seeing them both together on the pitch, possibly observing that they seem closer than just best friends, outing him sooner than he would like. Darcy did comment that they both seemed suspiciously couple-y, after all.
- Charlie and Nick both refer to the toilet at the bowling alley as a bathroom. This, I’m pretty sure, is absolutely a moment of the Brits dumbing things down for Americans, as they most certainly would have called it a toilet or loo or some other word… but never bathroom. Which is so weird because we hear Nick call it a loo in episode three at Harry’s party!
- Nick also confesses to Charlie how sorry he feels for Imogen, about her dog dying and about how he doesn’t like her as a girlfriend. Kit Connor plays this moment with such sensitivity that it becomes just such a touching moment pointing to those hearts of gold I promised we’d see back in episode one.
- Lastly, also back in episode one, I commented how each main character, with one notable exception, will receive their appropriate amount of screen time and development. And it is this episode where I feel it comes clear how much Isaac initially felt like a main character but now seems relegated to a secondary character. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, and I know there can only be so much screen time to go around, but I would like to get to know Isaac better than we do.