“Would you go out with someone who wasn’t a girl? Would you kiss someone who wasn’t a girl? Would you kiss me?”
If episode one was about getting to know the broad character traits of our main cast and episode two was about getting to know the finer details of each characters’ key motivations, then episode three, “Kiss,” brings into clear focus the two main conflicts of this series. By this point, we’ve been able to become familiar with how this show works: how light and color provide a visual cue for a character’s true personality or actual mood despite what they express aloud; how text message conversations capture a character’s inner frustrations and raw thoughts in a way that standard, verbal dialogue cannot; how subtle facial reactions are seen by no one else but the audience; and how vibrant animations beautifully enhance a tender moment, or—in some cases—a scary one. The makers of Heartstopper continue to embrace these narrative tools in episode three as the two main conflicts come into clear focus, creating a world that is presented with a masterful consistency and a truthful believability allowing the audience an emotional investment in a charismatic group of outcasts trying to figure themselves out in a messed up world.
The first conflict that comes into sharp focus right away in the first scene is Nick’s terrifying revelation that he might be gay, what that means for who he is, and how he navigates a way forwards and outwards. We see him sitting alone in his bedroom looking through the search results to his Google inquiry, “Am I gay?” His face is lit up white by the glow of the computer screen, his face now a similar shade of white as in episode two when he was imagining how hard it must be for Charlie to be out of the closet as he conjured dark images of Charlie being bullied in the school corridor. As Nick continues clicking through the search results—some campy (“The Ultimate Gay Quiz”) and some troublingly serious (“Opposition to Marriage Equality” and “Conversion Therapy”)—his sad, pale face is drained of all color because of the revelation he’s made about himself, and a single tear roles down his cheek.
Nick slams his computer shut and we immediately cut to the next morning, the camera framing Nick sitting on the usual table by the school gate, his face still absent of color, and the pale, grey/white English sky behind him augmenting the terrifying fear present in his face. I’ve remarked a few times how expertly this show is a reflection of reality, and this scene is no exception. This lonely fear is all too real of queers, especially as we grow up, and it’s so important and so meaningful that this show addresses that loneliness with such a delicate sensitivity to the very real reality the effects this loneliness has on us all.
I also feel so exhausted with Nick as he’s with his friends, his thoughts still consumed by his sexuality, and he has to carry on regardless as his friend and fellow rugby teammate, Harry (Cormac Hyde-Corrin), invites him to his 16th birthday party, accepting the invitation through a forced smile. Later on, as the boys are changing for rugby practice, Nick has to listen to his teammates talk about how Nick has his pick of two girls, Imogen and Tara, who will both be at Harry’s party. While Nick does manage to express some frustration towards this talk, when Harry tells him that Saturday night will be his chance, Nick responds, “Yeah, maybe,” as he doesn’t know how to respond any other way, unable to fully express aloud why he isn’t interested in these two girls, while his real desire, Charlie, is sitting next him as they get ready, the two of them catching each other’s eyes to share an uncomfortable moment of uncertainty. In episode five, Nick will talk about how his real personality has been buried deep inside him because he doesn’t want to confuse and surprise others, and these moments in episode three are the first concrete glimpses of how his desire to let his true self shine conflicts sharply with what others expect of him. And it is heartbreaking.
Tellingly, as we watch Nick’s inner conflict in this scene begin to bubble ever so slightly to the surface, the color of the rugby changing room seems to provide us more visual cues. It is a room with brick walls that appeared white in episode one but now in episode three seem to be lit in cold, pale, blue hues, as if reflecting a lonelier version of the blue in Truham’s school colors. But when we cut to the next scene, it’s in Nick and Charlie’s form classroom, a room that has become a symbol of tenderness and warmth, as it was the first time we got to see Nick and Charlie say hi to each other, the warm sun lighting their faces. It is immediately a room of comfort as soon as we cut away from the rugby changing room, and it is made all the warmer when Charlie sits down next to Nick. Charlie is surprised when Nick invites him to Harry’s party, “Please come! I want you to be there!” Nick enthusiastically presses him, and Charlie reluctantly agrees but then quickly seems to feel so excited to be going out to a party with Nick.
And this is where the second main conflict of the series begins to come into sharp focus, and it is the first time in the series that we see one of the main cast cause one of their friends to look visibly and dramatically hurt and angry. Since Charlie accepted Nick’s invitation while forgetting that he had already made plans with Tao, Elle, and Isaac for a movie night, Tao is deeply hurt. The scene’s dialogue is accomplished through the show’s characteristic use of text message conversations and split screen, Charlie, Tao, and Elle all appearing on screen in their separate bedrooms in comic book panels. Charlie’s bedroom is lit up in golden hues, recalling the warm colors of his form classroom, reminding us of how happy he is that Nick invited him to the party. Contrastingly, Tao’s room is lit in primarily shades of blues and greys, recalling the cold room associated with conflicts and lies, the rugby changing room. Meanwhile, Elle’s room seems to act as a mediator between Charlie’s happiness and Tao’s anger; it’s primarily colored deep red but simultaneously has hints of blue reflecting in tiny mirrors and suggestions of gold glistening in fairy lights. It’s Elle who seems excited for Charlie to go to a “popular people party” and who suggests that they can still have movie night without Charlie and the four of them can do something else another time, but Tao is still clearly really upset. And just as it was upsetting to watch Nick making a startling discovery about his sexuality, so too is it upsetting watching Tao become so angry with Charlie.
We had previously seen hints of Tao’s anxiety about what’s started to happen to their friend group. In the first episode, for example, he talks sadly of how Elle had to go to a different school and their group of friends is now no longer a group but a trio. In episode two when Tao is talking with Charlie at rugby practice, Tao has a look of dread on his face when he responds, “Oh…” to Charlie’s delight at how Nick might like him back. But now we see that anxiety on full, unedited display as Charlie chooses to be with Nick rather than him, and Charlie has no idea the full extent of Tao’s frustration since only the audience gets to see Tao’s facial reactions during the text message exchange.
In the end, movie night ends up being only Tao and Elle, as Issac texts he also no longer can come since he’s “super sick.” While Tao also seems annoyed that Isaac isn’t coming either, this gives us a chance to witness some honest moments between Tao and Elle. Tao tends to hold steadfast that Charlie is changing, that he’s choosing Nick over them, and that he misses how things used to be. But the dialogue is so eloquently written to have Elle comment on how sometimes change is a good thing. It’s especially meaningful that Elle, a young transgendered woman, should comment on how change is necessary and important, noting how her switch to Higgs Girls School—the school itself a symbol for her transition from male to female—was a good thing. She also talks about how she was so scared no one would like her at Higgs, but that she needed to put herself out there or she’d just be alone. This mirrors what Nick is going through as he begins to take the initial steps of putting himself out there to be with someone he cares about.
All of Elle’s observations seem to help Tao understand Charlie’s recent changes, and it is so special to see the understanding gradually appear in Tao’s face, as he and Elle hold each other by their hands, lying in his bed, foreshadowing events in episodes five and eight. This is all just such a touching series of scenes, Tao and Elle at one point promising each other to put their friendship first. And Yasmin Finney’s performance as Elle is particularly transfixing—if I may use a word with the prefix trans—capturing such a tender moment with such elegant grace and such alluring warmth. It’s really quite special.
Meanwhile, Nick and Charlie’s story plays out at an impossibly glitzy 16th birthday party for rich boy Harry, his parents having rented out the entire St. George’s Hotel. Charlie anxiously walks into the hotel—music blaring, colorful lights flashing—while Nick is hanging out with Harry and saying hello to Imogen, whose crush on Nick is growing by the minute. (Later we’ll see the two in another scene where Imogen officially declares her fondness for Nick.) But it’s clear Nick wants to see no one else but Charlie, as he eagerly scans the large ballroom for him. Their eyes eventually do meet and they converge upon each other. “I’ve been looking for you!” they both enthusiastically exclaim. It’s a sweet, tender moment, and the first of many we’ll see between the two of them this episode.
Later we see Charlie and Nick sitting on a couch talking about Mario Kart, but Harry interrupts them because he wants to try to set Nick up with Tara. It’s so heartbreaking watching Harry tear Nick away from Charlie, but Nick and Tara are able to clear up once and for all that they aren’t interested in each other, Nick revealing that he doesn’t feel that way about her and Tara revealing to Nick that she’s a lesbian. The way Nick responds matter-of-factly about Tara’s sexuality continues to reinforce Nick’s warm personality, and it is a moment that highlights the generally hopeful message of this show. This moment also helps to peel back another layer of Tara’s story as she becomes more and more comfortable coming out of the closet, a story that will come to a tear-jerking yet encouraging climax in episode six.
During this scene, we also get to see Nick revealing to Tara that Charlie is his best friend, as if that wasn’t obvious after all the show has shown us in only two-and-a-half episodes, but which provides a glimpse into how Nick is becoming more and more comfortable with letting his real personality buried deep inside him to emerge. Shortly after Tara and Darcy go off to dance, he’s cornered by Harry and the other rugby players who wonder why he wants to find Charlie (who has disappeared from the couch earlier), making fun of the fact that maybe Charlie has a crush on Nick and how sad that is. More of Nick’s real personality comes to the fore, inch by inch, willed by an indestructible force, as he calls out Harry’s homophobic comments. What a brave moment for Nick, indeed! I can’t imagine the energy it must have taken Nick in that moment to stand up not just for Charlie but for queers everywhere. This is another example of the show revealing a world as it ought to be: a star rugby player championing the lonely, powerless outcasts. It’s a brief exchange of a couple of lines but it’s a scene for the ages!
And then we cut to Charlie, who gets cornered by Ben who frustratingly asks Charlie if he’s finished sulking about everything that’s happened between them. But, as if willed by Nick’s example, Charlie pushes Ben into a wall. “Leave me alone! Do not touch me!” he assertively declares, leaving Ben all alone and to continue to be the one who’s actually doing the sulking. It was a giant moment for Charlie who previously in episode one had described himself as small and weak, but in this moment he—like Nick just earlier—was the brightest star outshining an intimidating world of terror.
And that light permeates the episode as we return to the ballroom where Nick is anxiously looking around for Charlie, the music of Chvrches blasting the whole hotel, a song called “Clearest Blue,” an optimistic celebration of positivity, the first lyrics, “Light is all over us.” And while we don’t get to hear those specific lyrics in this episode since we join the tune midway through, it’s still abundantly clear that the light of heroes is, indeed, all around us, standing up to adversarial foes, whether in Nick’s hidden personality coming to the fore as he castigates Harry for his homophobia or Charlie’s newfound strength revealing itself as he berates Ben for his duplicitous manipulations.
Or in Tara and Darcy’s decision to slowly reveal their relationship to the world, as they dance energetically and lovingly on the dance floor, the music of Chvrches growing in intensity, colorful lights strobing the room ablaze in a palette of rainbows, gleaming confetti delicately sparkling through the air, until at the climactic midpoint of “Clearest Blue” (at precisely 2:32 in this video, to be exact), Tara and Darcy kiss, for all the world to see, in an unashamed display of love between two women, all the while Nick looks on in amazed wonderment, the lights pulsing and lighting him up in the colors of the bisexual pride flag, admiring the moment in a hopeful bliss and an awed euphoria.
This show had already transfixed me right from those opening moments in episode one when we first met Charlie, but it was this scene in episode three that thoroughly, utterly, and transcendently transfigured my hope and optimism for a possible world that ought to be. A world of enduring heroes, of brightest stars, of unending love unshackled by any demon, bully, or villain. I had never seen a show quite like this until now, and what a gift it is that such television could exist to evoke such a reaction! And I again find myself feeling more happiness than I can ever fit in my heart that it bursts into a jubilee of intense tears of joy!
This joy springs Nick to eventually find Charlie sitting down back on the couch from earlier, both gleaming with happiness as they rejoin the company of the other. Nick reveals that he doesn’t want to hang out with his rugby friends anymore, Charlie labeling them intimidating, Nick declaring, “I’d rather hang out with you anyway,” and then commenting while holding Charlie’s hand about how proud he is that he dealt with Ben. They both decide to go to a quieter place, Nick taking Charlie by his hand through the crowd until they race their way upstairs to an empty room. It’s a playfully happy moment that just makes me smile.
In this room we get to witness a really tender moment between Nick and Charlie, and it unfolds at just the right pace and with the characteristic elegance we’ve become acquainted with. The energy between the two characters is practically physically visible as they sit on the floor, backs against the wall, sparks of electricity flying between them as Nick oh-so-gradually reveals his feelings to Charlie. Charlie eventually places his hand on the floor next to Nick, and their pinkies touch at first, animations of sparks igniting between them, the whimsical music of Adiescar Chase kindling the moment to an impossibility. Eventually Charlie and Nick kiss in a sweet moment of delicate affection, cautiously at first, but then all together wholeheartedly seconds later.
Sadly, the moment is interrupted as we hear Harry calling out to Nick, and Nick seems to run away from Charlie in a fit of fear and anxiety that he made a terrible mistake. Nick is cornered by Harry and the rugby lads and the room they are in is tellingly lit in the hues of blue we’ve come to associate with the changing room, which is itself the symbol for conflicts and lies. In this moment, we see that sometimes bullies do stamp out the light, as Nick is forced to confess that earlier he was just in a mood and that Harry’s remarks about Charlie were just banter. While it’s deeply frustrating to see the tender moment between Nick and Charlie get interrupted like this, only to end with Nick conceding something that isn’t true (a moment of his real personality being re-buried), it is necessary for the show to display this reality, that sometimes bullies do win. And it’s horrible.
Nick tries to go back to Charlie, but Charlie has already left the party, perhaps feeling that he also made a mistake by kissing Nick. And by the next morning, it’s raining, and for the first time, it feels like an episode might end on a really sad note.
But it doesn’t. There’s a knock at Charlie’s door, and Charlie opens the door to find Nick soaked in the rain. “Hi,” Nick says. “Hi,” Charlie responds, an echo of how they first greeted each other in episode one. But this echo is colored by a melancholy of uncertainty rather than a sun of warmth.
The color palette within how Nick is shown, however, provides a clue that there is a glimmer of hope. We look out of Charlie’s front door to see Nick framed in the doorway, a golden brick home in the background, the warm colors of the house recalling the vibrant sun that lit Nick up when we first met him in episode one, suggesting that in this moment Nick’s real personality of tenderness and warmth is still glowing bright, despite the bullies stamping it out the previous night. It’s clear that a brightest star still awaits all of us in the next episode.
Final musings for episode 3:
- Imogen’s story continues to develop in this episode, as we see her infatuation with Nick grow to somewhat obsessive levels. It’s so difficult to play a bubbly young woman who is obsessed with someone who doesn’t like her back without it becoming an annoying caricature, but Rhea Norwood delivers a stunning performance that somehow manages to make me like Imogen—despite her bubbly, obsessive personality—while also feeling such sadness for her as her love for Nick remains unrequited.
- We get to meet Tao’s mom, Yan, played by Momo Yeung, and she is an absolute delight. When she welcomes Elle into their house for movie night with Tao, she gushes, “How are you doing, my love? New school okay? In you come! I’ll put the kettle on!” It’s just such a genuinely friendly moment and it makes me feel so happy to see such love shared so openly. Tao even jokes, “I swear to god, she loves you more than me.”
- We also get to meet Charlie’s dad, Julio, played by Joseph Balderrama, who is so protective of Charlie as he drives him to Harry’s party, advising him to call him if he needs anything. Towards the end of the episode when his dad picks him up, Charlie is visibly upset about what just happened between him and Nick, and Charlie just breaks down crying. His dad hugs him lovingly in the car, “It’s okay, I’ve got you, everything’s going to be okay,” he supportively consoles. It’s a tender moment between father and son that I can’t overstate.