There’s not much to write about our last day, as by the time we woke up, we were already back at port in LA, which was very depressing. I would have much preferred even an 8am arrival so that we could watch the ship come into port, but that’s the nature of going on a cruise: you’re very much beholden to whatever itinerary you choose, down to the minute.

If I wanted to, I could write about how depressing it was to disembark, to head to the airport, and to fly home back to the grey, dismal November skies of Minnesota, but no one wants to read that. So, for my last post, I’d like to do a summary of my big takeaways from going on my first cruise.

As I have remarked before in these posts, going on a cruise is something I never thought I’d ever find myself choosing to do. It never was something that seemed particularly alluring. In the end, I really had an amazing time, and I will do it again. But there are a few things to consider if you choose to go on a cruise, especially if you’re trying to decide if such a thing is for you. So I’ve put together a good old fashioned pros-and-cons list (I’m calling it an optimist v. pessimistlist list) to help you organize your thoughts to decide whether this is for you.

Sailing the Seas v. Stuck on a Ship

Optimist:

I found sailing at sea absolutely thrilling, wind in my hair, enjoying exhilarating views of the ocean. It occurred to me that even though we live on a planet with so much water, very rarely do we actually experience vantages where everywhere you look—apart from the ship itself—there’s nothing but sea. It also was super exciting looking to the horizon, embracing the sunsets, marveling at the majestic wake of the ship, viewing land from afar, gazing in wonder at a pod of dolphins swimming freely in the wild right next to the ship, and all the other exciting views that come with sailing on the open seas. It also helps that I’ve long held a fascination with big ships, so it was so special to be able to experience being on one with someone I love and who shares an equal enchantment about ships with me.

Pessimist:

Or you could disregard all the enticing views that come with being on a ship and focus on the fact that—yes—you are stuck on a ship, and you may have an entire day at sea where there’s nowhere else to go except this god damn ship, surrounded by people you might find annoying. And while I did find myself feeling a little claustrophobic when I thought about this a little too hard, I reminded myself how special it was to see the ocean from such incredible views, especially as the sun was setting, and the sky was a celebration of colorful, warm hues, an oil painting only the sun and atmosphere can provide.

Bottom line: I very much was able to be an optimist on this point, especially since Princess really has the space-to-people ratio set just right (in other words, choose a line that is more premium and focused on adults over families and kids). It was very easy to find space away from all the hub-bub on the Discovery Princess, a quiet corner on a less-frequented part of the deck, somewhere to enjoy a drink while reclining and taking in the wide open sea. It also helps to have a cabin with a balcony.

Really Nice Things v. Really Fake Things

Optimist: A cruise really is like being at a resort at sea, and your every need can be satisfied, whether it’s a brunchtime cocktail, a blissfully extended moment in the spa, a decadent meal at a specialty restaurant, endless people watching. And while we did have some misses at the Crown Grille and the buffet, for the most part, the staff were very attentive, the spaces were opulent and sparkling, and there were some very fine moments of dining indeed.

Pessimist: All this said, everything on a cruise can sometimes feel like a plasticized illusion, a cheap imitation, an amalgam of fakery, absent any realness. When I travel, I like to see real things and real people and real buildings and real culture, imperfections and all, which is why some of my fondest memories when I travel are when I, for example, stay in a walk-up in New York City where the bathtub is in the kitchen; or I’m walking the streets of San Juan and I marvel at a giant hog sunbathing on the sidewalk; or I enjoy views of beautiful murals on Royal Street in New Orleans, all painted gloriously on facades of disused, dilapidated factories.

Bottom line: I generally found myself siding with the pessimist on this one, because I felt I really missed out on that realness factor. Even the excursions on land provided us only with edited highlights of the best parts of whatever sliver of the land we were seeing. That said, if you go into a cruise knowing that it’s not going to be really all that real, you’ll have a better time managing your expectations. For me, missing the realness factor was a huge drawback to being on a cruise.

Ports of Call as Curated Adventures v. Ports of Call as Edited Highlights

Optimist: We spent three successive days at three different ports of call: Cabo, Mazetlan, and Puerto Vallarta; we got to see a seaside town and swim with dolphins, toured a city by bus, and went ziplining through the Mexican jungle. While the bus tour was a miss, the three ports of call did allow us to see three very different parts of Mexico, which was very cool. And I got to practice Spanish as we looked for bathrooms and tried to get our passports stamped. Some really very lovely memories indeed that did provide me with the tiniest bit of that realness factor

Pessimist: As with the realness factor I wrote about above, you’re not necessarily going to have a chance to really see the places you stop at when you’re on a cruise, fully immersing yourself in the local culture. Not really. You’re going to see a very specific part of town that is prepared specifically for tourists to provide a shining jewel of an experience that veils all the cracks and imperfections that I find much more interesting. You’re not going to have a chance to go to places where tourists tend not to go. You’re only going to see a prettified part of town without all the warts, areas of town overpopulated with entitled white people, an Instagram filter placed over an otherwise mediocre photograph.

Bottom line: Let’s call this one a draw, because I generally found myself feeling the optimist and pessimist at equal levels, if I’m being honest. However, once I allowed myself to accept the realization that at each port of call I wouldn’t get to really see the places we were going, and that we were there to experience ridiculous things like swimming with dolphins and ziplining, I was able to adjust my expectations a bit. Don’t go on a cruise if you want to really see the places you go, as you’ll only be disappointed. Do go on a cruise if you adjust your expectations that the places you’ll experience are more like a minimized tasting menu, a hyperactive TikTok video that won’t let you fully immerse yourself in the culture, and focus on choosing excursions that are exciting and adventurous. (I highly recommend skipping any bus tours.) All this said, I really, really, really missed that realness factor.

Everything Organized for You v. Everything Forced upon You

Optimist: I remember early on when Matt and I were planning this trip. I came home one day, and he had all these ideas written down for what we could do at each port of call. It was a somewhat lengthy and impressive list, and I remember thinking, “Gosh, he really did lots of research on what to do in each of these cities!” I quickly realized that what he really did was look at a list of options prepared by Princess, and he chose from that list what he thought would be most fun. It was super handy to have everything organized for us so that we had to do minimal work to plan our time. And it wasn’t just the excursions that were organized. We took advantage of drink and dining packages, spa packages, internet packages, and other perks that made it easy to worry so much less about what we were going to do with our time and how much it was going to cost.

Pessimist: All this said, you are very quickly boxed into a very specific set of activities to do, and you’re somewhat beholden to the packages and the itinerary, so you won’t get a chance to create a home-grown style vacation that I find much more alluring. You also are locked into whatever ports of call the route has planned, and—if you choose not to partake in the pre-planned excursions and have a self-planned adventure on your own—there is no messing with making sure to get back to your ship on time, as the ship will leave without you. So everything just feels very scheduled and regimented. And when you try to create something home-grown, it has to be somewhat limited and within a very specific number of hours.

Bottom line: I found myself siding with the pessimist on this one, mostly because I really revel in designing my own vacation: getting ideas for what to by reading websites and talking to friends and family; creating a list of things to do but not necessarily deciding an order in which to do those things; having the flexibility to change plans for the day depending on my mood. Matt and I, for example, just were not in the mood for our bus tour excursion as soon as we woke up, but we were locked into it, so we went anyway, when we much rather would’ve probably just preferred to stay on the ship and indulge in the spa.

Indulging in Relaxing and Pampering v. Milling About Bone Idle

Optimist: It was really, really nice to experience a vacation where I had ample amounts of time to just lay back and lie low. I hadn’t really ever done anything like this before where I had daily access to a spa, to views of the moving sea from a balcony, to hot tubs and pools, all the while enjoying so many drinks and so many meals in so many different atmospheres from a poolside bar to a jazz club. I don’t think I ever felt so pampered before, and that’s something that’s really special. Everyone should try it at least once. A cruise is more about vacationing than it is traveling, and there’s a distinct difference there indeed.

Pessimist: All this said—and if you’ve read any of my previous blogs about my travels (and yes, they have all been travels and not vacations)—you’ll know this to be true: I really, really, really like to keep busy and see lots of things. Sometimes on this cruise I did feel like a waste of space on this ship, doing so much reclining and lying down and sitting and watching and staring. There were moments where I wished I could’ve been jumping on the tube to see St. Paul’s Cathedral or renting a bike to ride through the Bywater or hopping onto a kayak to row through mangroves, but nothing like that is possible when on a cruise.

Bottom line: All things considered, it’s really good for me to experience a vacation where I take things a little easier, as I do have a tendency to want to keep moving and stay busy. I also kept reminding myself that I’m not going to only go on cruises for the rest of my life and that there will be faster-based adventures in my future. I’ve told Matt that we’re going to have to take turns designing our vacations, and our next one will definitely not involve a cruise ship and will definitely involve traveling. So, alternating between fast and slow actually feels pretty good, and I’m looking forward to another nautical adventure, to be sure!

So, that’s two votes for optimist, two for pessimist, and one draw. Take what thou wilt from that. If there’s anything I can recommend to you and if you’re on the fence about cruising, I’d say this: if you’re at all the tiniest bit curious to experience a cruise (as I was), then go. If you feel that pessimist intruding, remind yourself how to adjust expectations exactly as I’ve written about in this post, and you’ll have a much better time enjoying yourself. Cruising isn’t necessarily good or bad, better or worse, neat or dumb… it just is what it is. And make what you will of it.

And what I make of it, is that I had a really special time with a really special person who I love and adore. And having really special times with really special people is what really should matter in the end. In fact, that alone may just be the most important factor of all the realness factors.

As with yesterday, we certainly indulged in taking things very easily on our final day aboard this ridiculous ship. I am so glad we elected to upgrade our cabin to have a balcony, as it was so wonderful to be able to enjoy views of the sea from our room. While we lounged about, we happened to notice a single, solitary dolphin swimming about. And it wasn’t before long that we saw another and another until there must’ve been at least 30 or so dolphins all happily swimming about. It was so special and beautiful to see, and I’ve never heard Matt gasp so much in one moment as we marveled at these incredible creatures as they performed a show for us, several of them jumping high out of the air performing elegant loops before diving back into the sea. Truly, it was so, so special to witness such a beautiful sight.

As this was our last chance, we made our way to the spa where we spent a long, long time indulging in everything the spa had to offer: all its heated chambers, all the showers with their whimsical settings, the hydrotherapy pool, the heated and tiled lounge chairs, all the while hydrating with crisp, cool cucumber water. Of all the things we splurged on, I’m so happy we decided to spend the extra $200 per person to have unlimited access to the spa. It was always so rejuvenating, and the rest of the day made me feel like I was walking on a cloud, my whole body abuzz with contentment.

We meandered about the ship for a bit (grabbing a sandwich at the International Cafe, walking past the Princess Live theatre where a live auction featured an actual auctioneer rapidly calling out numbers while filing in the gaps with more rapid vocalizations), before lounging outside by the main pool on the sky deck, plenty of space available on account of the somewhat blustery, grey weather. That said, for us Midwesterners, the weather felt absolutely glorious, while others who were used to sunnier and warmer climes tucked themselves away inside, opening up an otherwise usually very busy space.

Much of the rest of the afternoon continued at a very lackadaisical pace, stopping by the Marketplace buffet for a late lunch. And while stopping by the buffet off peak hours allowed for less foot traffic, the food seemed a little lackluster and bland because of the off-hours, reinforcing my opinion that the buffet is handy in a pinch, but isn’t anything to write home about. So, honestly, only go to the buffet if you just really just… I don’t know… only go if… um… I just… I don’t know… I honestly can’t think of a reason to go to the buffet…

We decided to go back to our cabin—stopping by the Seaview Bar on the way for some more cocktails—to, sadly, start packing up to expedite our disembarkation the next morning. While it was terribly sad to get ready to leave, we both felt ready to go home. Seven days on a ship—while absolutely wonderful and amazing—seemed to be just the right amount of time; we were ready to return to land somewhat more permanently. As we packed, we listened to some jazz and ordered some more cocktails using room service, a “bourbon and blood” and a brandy alexander, both of us remarking that we should have used room service so much more than we did.

We made one final appearance at the LGBT meetup at the Take Five lounge where some of the conversations centered on our cats and other animals, and afterwards we headed to the Skagway Dining Hall (we actually had reservations at the Ketchikan Hall—or “Kellikam” Hall, as Matt and I liked to call it, as Ketchikan reminded us of the Klingon world, kellikam, a unit of measure—but didn’t realize our reservation mistake until we were sat down at Skagway) to enjoy one final meal, dressed to impress and everything. It was really very lovely to spend one last romantic dinner on board, finishing off with dessert wines and all.

Later at the Wakeview Bar, as Matt and I were enjoying some rose and beers, we met up with Mike and Sonny and made our way to the piazza to observe a massive dance party to celebrate the final night at sea, a live band blaring catchy tunes, countless passengers strutting their stuff about the floor. We next made our way to the Princess Live Theatre where passengers were bravely bearing their vocal chords over karaoke to a rambunctious audience, and it occurred to the four of us that we were standing in the very spot where we first met each other, and we admired the circular synchronicity of it all.

Before we knew it, we were back in our cabin, lying in bed, and we fell asleep to an episode of Love Boat featuring both Betty White and Rue McClanahan, their ship stopping in Puerto Vallarta. I reminisced to myself about all of our journeys and the amazing times we had, while also feeling melancholy at the thought that when we’d wake up the next morning already docked, our ship arriving back in LA while we’d be sleeping.

But what times, what adventures, what memories!

This day and the next, as I’ve written previously, were spent totally on the ship and at sea, a two days’ nonstop journey back to LA. If you’ve read about any of my previous travels, you’ll know that I generally like to really cram things in, because I just absolutely enjoy keeping busy and seeing and doing and eating and drinking everything I possibly can. And so because of this cruise’s more lackadaisical tempo, I’ve come to realize that there is a distinct difference between a vacation and a trip. A trip is exactly how I’ve done all (most?) of my previous vacations: I’m on a mission to see and do everything I possibly can. And while on those trips I would still have contemplative moments watching people while I’m eating beignets in New Orleans, for example, I wouldn’t necessarily say the purpose of my vacations was to relax and pamper but rather to experience and learn.

A vacation, on the other hand, implies time away from home to relax and slow down and not to necessarily fulfill a mission to see and do everything there possibly is to do, a way of traveling that I’m not sure I can assuredly say I’ve done on my previous adventures. This isn’t to say that a trip is better than a vacation or a vacation is better than a trip; rather, the two versions of traveling offer different ways to spend time away from home. And both modes are, in my opinion, absolutely fantastic. But for these final two days aboard the Discovery Princess, relaxing and pampering is exactly what we did do. A cruise ship is, after all, a floating and moving resort.

Our morning began, naturally enough, in our cabin. And a lazy morning it was! Matt and I both agreed that we didn’t use room service enough when we were on board, but it was on this morning that we did make use of the service, ordering breakfast and bloody marys, all enjoyed from the comfort of our bed while watching I Wanna Dance with Somebody, a biopic about Whitney Houston, an artist whose music I never found particularly alluring but who is undoubtedly a force nonetheless who shaped generations of music in profound and important ways. The film itself was fine. I don’t really remember much about it and don’t care to spend more time writing about it.

Eventually we did emerge from our cabin, wearing our best tropical shirts, and as we meandered about the ship, we discovered an entire bloody mary station in the piazza where we, of course, helped ourselves to some more bloody marys. More drinks in hand, we then made our way to a quite casual meal of neapolitan style pizzas from Gigi’s, the fancier pizzeria on board, the pizza capricciosa a particular delight: artichoke hearts, mushroom, ham, black olives, and basil. We both somewhat regretted taking this long to check out Gigi’s, as the pizzas were quite good and much more flavorful than the adequately serviceable poolside counterpart found at Gigi’s cousin, Slice. Following pizzas, we also helped ourselves to some gelato, which was especially delightful, as live music filled the ever fanciful space of the piazza.

We next spent some time lounging about outside on the sky deck, starboard and aft, only two other people in sight, over some Stella beers and Whispering Angel rosés. (“I love that we can find spaces on this ship where there are no people about!” I exclaimed to Matt. “Well, we are sitting in the shade on a windy boat deck,” he soberingly observed.) Following our lounge, we wandered a bit to the very aft where it was difficult not to notice the atrocious plume of smoke from the ship’s engines as we marveled at the wake of the ship. While we additionally noticed how much the Wake View pool sloshed about from side to side in these rougher seas, it was here where we ran into Mike, who told us about a shipboard informational session that he attended where he learned about the ship. And talk of the unsavory plume of smoke led him to remark that apparently the ship uses two different diesel standards, the cleaner and more expensive one used as we approach Californian waters because of whatever maritime law. He also told us how various radios are used on the ship based on who the crew are communicating with: other ships, other ports, airplanes, and internally.

As our day continued, we ran into more of “the younger boys” from the LGBT meetup (and by younger I mean we were all in our 40s and 50s), where we enjoyed a moment together in one of the many hot tubs on the sky deck, drinks in hand. Before we headed back to our cabin to get dressed up for our fancy evening out (it was “Dress to Impress” night after all), we felt a bit peckish, so we quickly had some hamburgers at the Salty Dog Grill by the pool, but the burgers were unremarkable and unworthy of any more words than I’m already devoting to it, so I’ll just move on.

As was our nightly tradition, we headed back to the Take Five Lounge for the LGBT meetup, which was fast decreasing in numbers, but where—over more beers and wine—we nonetheless listened to some important conversations about serving in the Navy as a gay man in the 1970s while also enjoying lighter conversations about television programs like The Love Boat, Hee Haw, Laugh In, and All in the Family, a generational divide clearly apparent amongst us, as I haven’t watched any of those shows, a part from a handful of Love Boat episodes.

It was soon time to head to Bistro sur la mer, the French specialty restaurant on board, and we were hoping the bistro would rectify the less than spectacular experience we had at the Crown Grill earlier in our trip. And indeed, the bistro did not disappoint, and our evening’s dining experience restored our decision to spend the little extra money to enjoy the specialty meals, something I highly recommend you to, too! The only thing I disliked about the bistro is that, unlike the Crown Grill, the bistro isn’t closed off from the rest of the ship; rather, it’s situated right along the busy piazza (the “grand staircase,” I liked to call it, if you recall) in the upper levels, so all the commotion and live music from the piazza interrupted what could be an otherwise elegant evening. Instead, the theme from Friends and “We Are Family” invaded the restaurant while we enjoyed some pretty fine meals in a chic space. (Don’t get me wrong, I adore Sister Sledge, but when the moment is right.)

To start, we had comme de olives et noires chèvre and frites de polenta aux herbes (i.e. black and green olives filled with creamy goat cheese and polenta fries with herbs, but it sounds so dumb and boring in English). Both starters were absolutely heavenly and were a marvelous preview of even more exquisite fare to come. Our starters were followed by proper hors d’oeuvres: bisque de homard for Matt and cromesquis d’escargot ail et fines herbes (i.e. a lobster bisque and snails, but—again—it just sounds so dumb in English). As you can expect of French cuisine, the hors d’oeuvres were smothered in creamy sauces and vibrantly dressed with tasty herbs and spices, a celebration for the senses. Our célébration de la nourriture continued with our mains, jarret de veau a l’ancienne comme une blanquette aux morilles riz pilaf for Matt and quenelles de vivaneau et St. Jacques, salpicon de homard et jus des carcasses for me (again, the English makes it sound so dumb: veal in a mushroom cream sauce and red snapper, scallops, and lobster morsels in a lobster sauce). Everything was just absolutely divine, ravishingly delectable, and sublimely glorious. And while I found myself comparing the meal to an actual French meal I had in actual Paris (the meal aboard the Discovery Princess was a pretty close approximation to real French cuisine, even without squinting my eyes, er, taste buds), I was genuinely impressed with the entire evening. And it was also just such a romantic time as well, the two of us all dressed up fancifully, enjoying a wonderfully charming time together. It was just so, so lovely.

Sadly, however, we had to skip dessert of all things! I felt really bad as we started to get up, and our lovely waiter also seemed genuinely surprised we were leaving so soon. But he understood once we explained that we had to get to the evening’s show at the Princess Theatre. In retrospect, I wish we would have skipped the mediocre show we were about to see, but it was our last chance to see a full-scale theatrical work while on board, so we felt obligated.

The show was Spotlight Bar, and it was fine. The thing about seeing a show on a ship like this (and I remarked about this previously when we saw Rock Opera) is that the show has to appeal to such a wide swath of folks: to those who have no idea what a play is and those who have been to more shows they’re capable of remembering. So whatever show they put on, it has to be as bland and vanilla as possible, appealing to the “least common denominator,” as Matt remarked.

All this said, the production values of these shows are quite remarkable. Entering the theatre, we gazed upon a set not unlike a 1920s speakeasy: timeless brick walls; elegantly tall and handsomely arched windows; graceful lighting casting long, moody shadows; “Spotlight Bar” emblazoned in neon lights at the top of the proscenium. The singers and dancers were also very talented and delivered strong performances of music that I wasn’t familiar with but apparently everyone else was. (I recognized “Why Haven’t I Heard from You” by Reba and “Freedom! 90” by George Michael while Matt knew everything that was performed, but he’s good for me like that, helping me to get to know things that are, heaven forbid, popular.)

Following the show (it was only 45 minutes long), we headed to the Vista Lounge where we ran into Mike and Sonny along with some other queers to enjoy a 90s dance party, a live DJ spinning some tunes. But the DJ couldn’t get his decade right, as he spun such timeless classics like “Take on Me” by a-ha, “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees, “Dancing Queen” by ABBA (but also some horrendous numbers like that atrocious Robin Thicke tune… you know you which one I’m talking about). All this said, I never have felt very comfortable on the dance floor (I can’t seem to find a way to be able to move in a way that isn’t stiff and rigid), but it was still fun making the best of it. I think Matt enjoyed himself more, as he went back out onto the floor a second time while I hung back.

And then, just like that, our evening came to a close. As usual, I couldn’t help but start to feel that usual melancholy creep in when travels start to come to an end. But we still had one more day at sea, and we absolutely indulged in everything we possibly could.

Our first full day on the ship was ahead of us, and it was to be spent all at sea, stopping at no ports. I can’t remember who on the ship we spoke to about this, but someone commented that we chose well when we decided to do this Mexican coast tour with Princess, as we’re allowed a total of three days at sea and three days at port. They had additionally remarked that other cruises might pack in ports of call on every single day of the cruise. So, big tip for this post: make sure to choose a cruise itinerary where there are as many days at sea as there are at port, as the at-sea days really allow you to unwind. And unwind we did!

We started our morning slowly—although we were still on Minnesota time, so we woke up at 7am which was really 9am for us—and made our way to the Skagway Dining Hall, one of three dining halls on the ship. One other concern I had about going on a cruise was having to dine with—gasp!—STRANGERS! I really wasn’t into this at all, as it’s not uncommon for some cruise lines to pack their guests into the halls like cattle in steerage, making you sit wherever there’s space. On Princess, however, they’ve really refined the space-to-people ratio, so we never had a hard time getting a table to ourselves. Additionally, the ambiance of the main dining halls on the Discovery Princess was all quite elegant, and—indeed—their food actually was frequently much better than the disappointing mediocrity we had at the Crown Grill, one of their “specialty” restaurants, just the previous night.

Matt and I elected to have a fruit plate, eggs florentine, and poached eggs on toast. As we enjoyed the breakfast—an elaborate, golden ceiling framing our space, a ceiling affixed with a giant, extravagant chandelier created with countless, shimmering tubes lit in a calming, amber hue, hanging from the ceiling like futuristic stalactites—smartly dressed waiters also circled and hovered to make sure you had a choice of pastry from a large platter while they attended to your coffee, refilling your cup before the bottom could appear.

Following breakfast, we desperately wanted to check out the Enclave, using the spa package that we purchased while exploring the ship on embarkation day. While the spa on the ship has additional services like massages, facials, and, er, acupuncture (for those of us who think that actually does anything), the Enclave is a separate section of the spa that is accessible only by a special key given to you at check-in, and the space is somewhat like a modern day thermae (a Roman bath house, except without the nudity), complete with a hydrotherapy pool, three heated chambers (“saunas,” if you will, but more on that later), heated and tiled lounge chairs, and showers with special settings to control the flow and temperature of the water, including “siberian” and “tropical rain,” among other settings.

Before we could enter the spa, the staff seemed somewhat confused about the package we bought. Once we mentioned Mich and that we purchased something on embarkation day, they suddenly seemed to understand (but it seemed strange nonetheless that they just didn’t know what we were talking about right away). Anyway, we were first led into a separate room for a taste of their massage services. While it was nice to get a quick, one-minute feel of what to expect, they were actually trying aggressively to get us to buy more of their products. And it took some doing to tell them we weren’t interested. It eventually got to the point where I said to the associate, “I’m sorry. I’m confused. How do we do what we came here to do? To do what we paid for?” (Matt similarly felt awkward and was grateful I just got to the point.) The spa associate, while ultimately friendly if not overly and annoyingly persistent, eventually realized she wasn’t going to get more money out of us, surrendered, and led us to the Enclave.

We didn’t really know what to expect in the Enclave (a symptom of all the associates seemingly incapable of providing answers to simple questions), so we came ill prepared. My advice on your first visit: make sure to pack a swimsuit (or just wear your suit to the spa) otherwise you won’t be able to enjoy the showers or the whirlpool. That said, we still made the best of it, stripping to our underwear and modestly covering ourselves with robesthe spa provided as we explored the thermae.

Each of the three heated chambers provided a different experience. I think we first went into the caldarium, an ancient Roman-style heated chamber with enough comfortable space for 8 people or so, steamy and vaguely scented with some kind of aromatic wood, large, cylindrical, stone platforms to sit upright on, anachronistic handheld shower heads affixed to the wall to provide a cooling stream of water to awaken the senses in contrast to the invitingly balmy air. Following the caldarium, I believe we went into the laconia, a dry-heated chamber also inspired by ancient Rome. This actually was our least favorite of the chambers, the lack of steam a deficit in the experience, the stone platforms for sitting unbearably hot, but the air temperature quite uninspiringly tepid. We didn’t really go into this room very much after that.

Our favorite room, however, was the hamman, a Turkish-inspired heated chamber similar to the caldarium. However, instead of raised, cylindrical platforms to sit on as we experienced in the caldarium, there were deep, smooth, stone benches lining the perimeter of the room, comfortably fitting possibly 15 people or so. But my favorite aspect of this room was a raised, stone platform as big as a queen-sized bed tucked away in a darker part of the room. It was my favorite place to visit, lying supine, breathing in the steamy vapors, serenely sweating, calmly meditating, all worries in the world evaporating into a listless cloud, gently blowing away, leaving my mind free and clear. Indeed, we will return to the Enclave over and over again, but next time better prepared to enjoy the therapy pool, showers, and heated tile lounge chairs, which I’ll fill you in more for a later post.

Much of the rest of our day and afternoon was spent exploring the ship and taking things so, so easy. We stopped quickly to grab some coffees at the International Cafe, a “Starbucks” style counter located on the perimeter of the Piazza, the main “grand staircase” area of the ship I described in the last post. The International Cafe also had various juice and vegetable drinks as well as sandwiches and baked goods that we would partake in later on our voyage.

Following coffees, we flitted about the ship, round and round, watching people, grabbing a slice of pizza at Slice by the Sky Deck pool, going back to our cabin to put on swim trunks, returning to the Retreat Bar by the retreat pool (the adult-only pool), where we were curious to do a blind taste test of the two rosé wines the ship had available: one that was simply called Rosé and the other that was much more alluringly called Château d’Esclans ‘Whispering Angel’ Rosé. The angel won the blind taste contest, unsurprisingly: it was lighter in color, brighter, layered in flavors whereas the other rosé was darker, heavier, and one step removed from grape juice. The fact the Whispering Angel was $5 more didn’t matter (at least for Matt and me), since we bought a drinks package that included 15 “free” drinks per day, as long as the price of the drink was under $20.

For lunch we decided to just go to the Marketplace, which is just a buffet-style eatery. My opinions of buffets are so linked to my childhood and how my family spoke of them, referring to buffets, specifically a chain you may remember called Old Country Buffet, as “The Trough”: pay whatever few cents it took to get in; serve yourself mounds of food over and over again using spatulas and serving spoons touched by too many people who probably didn’t wash their hands after using the toilet; giant, metal trays filled with colorless, uninspiring food, beige-tasting mashed potatoes, fried chicken under heat lamps baking to a dried, tasteless suggestion of the genuine article; cubes of red jello reclining lazily in clumps next to a giant ooze of chocolate pudding, shapeless in form like some kind of Doctor Who alien.

While the Marketplace on the ship was markedly better than Old Country Buffet without a single Doctor Who alien in sight, it’s hard for me not to recall these childhood memories to inform all my current and future buffet experiences. So, the Marketplace is fine and functional. Go if you need easy access to whatever food, but it is in the Marketplace where you might find grotesque men eating at the table in only their swim trunks and no shirt or wandering about station to station in a towel, immodest and rude. (These two things really did happen across the visits we made to the Marketplace.) So please don’t be those people, and thank you very much to those self-important men for reaffirming my low opinions of buffets in general.

Our afternoon continued with a game of Bingo in the Vista Lounge in the aft of the ship (an expansive space with a long bar, terraced seating with tables facing a modest dance floor area with a small stage), and our Bingo host worked so hard to provide a light, fun atmosphere, dancing bubblingly to tinny game show music, calling numbers in a sing-songy voice with charmingly adorable lilts, her voice rising and falling melodiously and engagingly: “O72. Ooooh! Seven and… two!”

Following Bingo, we returned to the pool in the very aft, spending some time reclining in the sun. And this moment was one of Matt’s and my favorite moments during the whole cruise… just the two of us reclining in the very back of the ship, nothing but sea around us, the wake of the ship a blue-white trail, impressively and majestically interrupting the expansive sea surrounding us, the sun shining pleasantly and brightly but not blindingly, the wind embracingly invigorating, a special, special moment of absolute happiness, a memory we’ll share forever.

Time flies when enjoying delicate moments suspended in time, relaxing immovably idle, and before we knew it, it was time for dinner. We decided to dress up for the evening, jackets and ties and all. I really highly recommend bringing along fancy clothes to wear throughout your cruise, as it’s super fun to enjoy a meal all dressed up, adding delight to the occasion, parading around the ship to fanciful aplomb as strutting peacocks. And strutted we did to the second of three dining halls on the ship, this time the Ketchikan Dining Hall. We enjoyed shrimp cocktail, Caesar salad, duck l’orange, and red snapper. My memory is quite hazy of this meal, writing this so many weeks out, so I don’t really remember this dinner very clearly. But my overall impression of all the dining halls in general is that they can be just as good if not better than the specialty dining restaurants: smart waiters with enchanting accents, diverse and exciting menus making it difficult to decide on any one thing, elegant ambiance.

Following dinner, we made our way to the LGBTQ meetup that happened every night at 7:00 (or 7:30, I can’t remember) in the jazz lounge, Take Five. It was really lovely to connect with a bunch of gays on the ship, including our new friends Sonny and Mike, but I was a little disappointed that there was no LBTQ in the LGBTQ, instead the group turned into a meetup of old, gay queens, Matt and me the youngest in the group despite being in our 40s. These gays felt very much like gays in the mold of retirees living in Florida or California, but many of them had amazing stories to tell of their times in the military in the 70s, for example, the generational divide keenly felt but nonetheless engaging to bridge the gap.

Our packed day continued with attending a show in the main theatre imaginatively called the Princess Theatre. We went to a production called Rock Opera, but we arrived nearly at show time, so seats were difficult to find, sitting way in the front row, stage right, providing sharply angled views of the production. As a part of our package, we were supposed to get priority, reserved seating, but these seats are only marked by special covers on the backs of seats, and are first-come, first-served. So arrive early if you want to actually see the show.

The show itself was, well, fine. It might be hard for me to comment thoroughly since it was hard to see the stage as a talented cast sang and danced to a medley of such memorable numbers by Queen like “Barcelona” and “The Show Must Go On,” and such hits like Bonnie Tyler’s epic, “Turn Around,” the performers dressed in a shimmering palette of shiny silvers and glittering blacks, the lighting exciting and engaging, the sets similarly beaming in similar hues. But at the same time, it occurred to Matt and me that these shows need to cater to a really wide range of audience: for those who have attended experimental theatre off off Broadway in New York to those who don’t even know what a play is. So these shows need to cater to the “least common denominator,” as Matt described it, so that anyone and everyone may enjoy a quick 45-minute, inoffensive, not particularly smart or pioneering or inventive show that isn’t especially good but also isn’t necessarily particularly bad, where there really is nothing to write home about except that the show tastes like nothing you would possibly care to remember.

We finished our evening with a formal night photo shoot (part of our premiere package, me having difficulty shaking the feeling that we were taking photos for our high school prom, but still having a great time doing it all the same); a visit back to the High Five jazz lounge where we enjoyed some more cocktails, the lounge on the ship we came to quickly adore, as it seemed to be tucked away near the Piazza, but passengers were either unaware it was there or didn’t care it was there, so it allowed Matt and me to get some much needed time away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the busier parts of the ship; a quick nighttime snack at the Marketplace (yes, despite all my protestations about buffets, it was a nice feature of the ship to have when feeling peckish during the off hours); and one more visit to the aft pool followed by a harmlessly fun game of ping-pong on the deck of the ship.

All in all, a really, really great day filled with so much to do yet also filled with ample time to lounge and relax and just enjoy moments with a very special person indeed. Our next day aboard will take us ashore to Cabo, our first port of call, where Matt and I will do something quite ridiculous and fun indeed!

Stray tips:

As promised, what follows is a bunch of tips about how to use and enjoy your cabin, much courtesy to Matt who did a lot of research to prepare for this trip. For some reason I thought there’d be a longer list of tips for how to pack and use your room, but I guess this is it for now. I’m sure I’ll think of other things later.

1. As soon as you arrive and have your bags delivered to your room, unpack. Get it over with right away. Don’t live out of your suitcase. Space is tight even in more deluxe rooms with a balcony. You’ll feel more organized, and you’ll come back to a cabin that feels like your home away from home. Use the hangers, use the drawers, use the shelves, use every little bit of organizing space to help you feel sane.
2. Buy magnetic hooks. All the rooms are magnetic, and you’ll enjoy having the extra hooks to hang up hats, ties, and so on.
3. Buy an over-the-door shoe organizer to put things in the pockets like medication, combs and brushes, hair products, and any other little things to help maximize space so that your bathroom countertop doesn’t become a mishmash of bric-a-brac where it’s impossible to find anything.
4. I wrote about this in a previous post, but Princess allows you to bid on a room upgrade. We initially had an internal cabin with no windows, but we won a bid on an “obstructed balcony” cabin by bidding an extra $305 per person. I’m so glad we did this, as it was really nice to wake up to the sun and to enjoy views of the sea and the sunsets from our balcony. It’s considered “obstructed” because there was a lifeboat immediately parallel to our balcony, but Matt and I really didn’t care as we could still see the sea and the horizon. We’re also such geeks about big ships that we thought it really cool to be able to study the lifeboat so up close.

Today’s the day when we bid farewell to the Queen Mary before boarding our cruise ship, the Discovery Princess, to begin our 7-day journey along the Mexican coast. And how excited we were to start the journey!

Before we made our way, however, we spent a little more time on the Queen Mary, starting first with enjoying the ship’s breakfast at the Promenade Cafe. The breakfast was, well, fine. It was your standard buffet-style breakfast with the various morning staples served in heated, rectangular, metal trays: scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and so on. I was feeling particularly dehydrated, so all the salty food was somewhat unappetizing, so I elected to eat mostly fresh fruit to help rehydrate.

Afterwards we checked out another area of the ship that featured a museum-style exhibit, The Cunard Story, a thorough history of the over 150 ocean liners built by Cunard over 175 years. In addition to reading about the company’s rich history, there were many historical artifacts on display, including a wall-sized alarm indicator panel, built solidly of wood with three large indicator panels displaying maps of the decks of the ship with small lights that would illuminate to inform the crew of alarm statuses. Also on display were various officers’ uniforms, firefighting equipment, and a separate display case about the synagogue on board, built to help welcome people of the Jewish faith who were fleeing Germany.

We also allowed ourselves one more walk along the sun deck to soak up the warm, southern Californian sun; admired the Carnival Panorama, docked nearby and viewable from the aft of the Queen Mary; enjoyed a brief conversation with a woman who reminded me of an aged Jolene Blalock, and who kindly took a photo of Matt and me in our matching Princess cruise t-shirts that Matt got us, complete with our names emblazoned on the front (it was so ridiculous, and so much fun to wear!); and a visit to the gift shop where I bought some magnets (I always buy magnets when I’m on vacation) and a Christmas ornament, and Matt a pin and a cap.

And before we knew it, we were packed and heading out to the Discovery Princess to begin our voyage. It was so, so exciting as we pulled into port, cars circling through, our home for the next seven days emerging grand and imposing from the berth, our driver weirdly not listening to us to let us off, necessitating another circle through the port, extending the anticipation to board. As we got out of our car, baggage handlers were ready to greet us, take our bags, and send us on our way. Lorraine happened to be our baggage handler, and she was super friendly and excited for us to begin our cruise. We tipped her $15, and we did seem to notice our bags were delivered quite quickly to our cabin.

After making our way through an expansive warehouse-style building and before we stepped onto the gangway to board the ship, we were invited to have our photo taken in front of a green screen, the background later to be filled with images of the ship’s interior and exterior and the Arch of Cabo, a giant rock formation at one of our ports of call. It was so much fun to pose for the camera while also enjoying an early taste of how our Princess medallions will work throughout the cruise. Worn like a watch or around your neck like a locket, the medallions seem to function similarly to an Apple tag: tracking your location; logging your payments for drinks, souvenirs, dinners, spa packages, and so on; and unlocking your cabin as you approach your door. A photo of yourself is linked to the medallion (a photo uploaded earlier on your own via the app) so that all Princess staff can identify you on their tablet as you approach them. And so that’s how the photographer was able to upload our photos with such ease to our Princess app. Such a slick operation!

Once we got aboard, Matt and I wanted to begin our celebrations without delay, so we wasted no time heading to the Lido deck on deck 16, a deck where you can enjoy easy access to three different pool areas and several options for bars and quick bites to eat. We first stopped at the bar by the Sky Pool, the largest of the three pool areas, this one complete with two pools of considerable size spanning an impressive length (but not necessarily a remarkable depth), open to the exhilarating sea air, hot tubs standing prepared, enthusiastically bubbling on a mezzanine deck above, the whole deck abuzz with smiling, excited travelers at the start of a really memorable trip. I had a classic mojito to start and Matt ordered a drink soon to become his favorite: a dirty banana (a kind of banana milkshake with rum).

Noting that this section of the deck was perhaps a bit too busy for us, we headed all the way aft to the Wake View bar, where the ship was much less busy, and where the second of the three pool areas was, this pool situated immediately at the very end of the ship. One of my reservations about going on a cruise was finding quieter spaces away from people, but my fears were alleviated when we discovered this part of this ship. While at the Wake View bar, Matt and I first enjoyed some glasses of champagne, and then for our third round I had a piña colada and Matt tried a surprisingly tasty mocktail called strawberries on fire, a Rob Floyd signature recipe, a refreshingly exhilarating drink, enlivened with tiny slices of jalapeños to pack just enough of a wallop.

We continued exploring more of the ship, an infectious energy of elated travelers invigorating the atmosphere of the ship with a celebration of laughter and glee, encountering Mich along the way, who worked at the ship’s spa. She persuaded us to sign up for a package valued at $200 per person, so we could enjoy the Enclave in the spa as much as we wanted while we were on our cruise. I’ll write more about the Enclave in the next post, but, in short, I highly recommend splurging on this purchase. Also during these explorations, we discovered the Retreat Pool on deck 17, larger than the Wake View pool but smaller than the Sky Pool, and reserved only for adults. Because this was another quieter part of the ship, we found ourselves revisiting this area more than once.

Embarkation time was soon upon us, so we headed aft again so we could wave goodbye to land. While there weren’t crowds and crowds of people seeing us off as you might have expected one hundred years ago, it was still such a delight to see the ship slowly move away from land and make its way to the open sea. Once we were firmly at sea, we spent a little bit of time on our cabin’s balcony, and what a treat it was to have a balcony! We initially reserved an internal cabin with no access to windows, and I was a little worried that I would feel a little claustrophobic. So, we decided to bid on an upgrade—a feature Princess allows—and our bid won, so we were upgraded to a cabin with an obstructed balcony: essentially, there was a lifeboat directly parallel to our balcony, preventing us from looking all the way down the sea below, but which still provided us with gorgeous vistas of the expansive sea.

As part of the spa package we bought, we were automatically entered into a raffle, so we headed to the Princess Live Theatre on deck 5 to see if we won anything. While we left empty handed, it was here where we met Mike and Sonny, another gay couple, who we fast became friends with. I wanted to add their phone numbers to my phone upon our first encounter, but it would take until tomorrow for us to make that overture.

The palpable excitement on the ship continued unabated as we explored the ship a little more, zigzagging through the casino—slot machines lighting up with gaudy aplomb, a cacophony of garish arpeggiations inducing earaches, the choking smoke of cancer victims puffing sickly from leathery faces staring, dead, into a vortex of misfortune—and onwards past the piazza—a giant, open area similar to a rotunda adorned with four, wide spiral staircases at each corner, glimmering gold, three open decks of glitzy glam and glimmering lights, enlivened by live jazz, a flute leading with pizazz—until it was time to get ready for our first meal onboard the ship!

We elected to use one of our two specialty meals (as a part of the package we bought) on our first night at sea, choosing the Crown Grill for some surf and turf. We had a whole five course meal, starting with a bread course (a kind of round loaf, quartered, and almost imperceptibly cheesy); a salad (I didn’t take very good notes and have no memory of this); scallops, caviar, herb beurre blanc (I remember eating this but seem to remember it being unremarkable); and lobster tails for us both, a porterhouse for me, and a filet mignon for Matt (could’ve been hotter and more flavorful).

As we were feeling underwhelmed by our meal, we overheard a couple next to us similarly feeling unimpressed, escalating their displeasure by raising protestations with the manager about the service and the food, waiting 35 minutes, apparently, for their meals to arrive cold. Matt and I both agreed: while the ambiance of the Crown Grill was elegant and romantic, our servers smartly dressed and knowledgeable (although the choruses of waiters breaking out to sing “Happy Birthday” a few times to tables of victims during our meal as if in some kind of Chuck E. Cheese diminished the reputation a bit), the actual food left much to be desired. We left hoping this wasn’t a portent of things to come. (We did get dessert, a creme brulee cheesecake for Matt and a chocolate mousse trifle for me, but I barely remember this.)

And with a full day behind us, we retired back to our cabin for the evening, eagerly looking forward to a fantastic time on this ridiculous ship, despite the miss on dinner for the evening, looking forward to special, special moments to come!

Stray tips:

1. If you’re cruising with Princess, make sure to print off baggage handling labels they provide via the Princess app, and staple them to your bags the morning you head to the ship.
2. Also make sure to check your Princess app several days in advance of your departure to make sure you uploaded all the various required documents to streamline the process as you board the ship.
3. Also also make sure to put on your Princess medallion before you even arrive at the port, so you’re ready for an expedient boarding process.
4. We opted to purchase the Princess premiere package, which included so much: two speciality meals; up to 15 free drinks per day; free wi-fi; photo package; free casual dining; and so much more. You can read about the packages on their website, and I highly recommend the splurge.
5. You also need to check in at your muster station (you’ll find instructions for this in your cabin) and also watch a safety video, which you can complete and log on your cabin’s television. Do this as soon as you can so it’s done and you don’t have to worry about it. (We completed ours after exploring deck 16.) Note that the ship won’t leave port until everyone completes these two steps.
6. Generally avoid the elevators if you can, especially during peak meal times. Matt and I elected to use the stairs almost exclusively, even if it meant climbing several decks. We joked that the exercise helped prepare us for our zipline excursion later in our trip.
7. I’ll have a whole, er, boatload of unpacking tips next post.