“Don’t feel like you have to come out to anyone before you’re ready. Being out is hard. A lot of people will see you in a different way, and it is a lot to deal with.”
Back in episode three, we were treated to a lovely moment between Tao and Elle in Tao’s bedroom during movie night, Elle remarking, “Sometimes change is a good thing,” mentioning that she’ll be okay at her new school, Higgs (the girls school itself a symbol for Elle’s transition from male to female). “That’s a good change, right?” and Tao agreed, “Yeah, it’s a good change.” Elle also commented that at first she was scared to make friends at Higgs but then realized she needed to put herself out there otherwise she’d end up alone. This sensitive moment between Tao and Elle not only addressed how change can be good but also that sometimes change is hard work which involves taking risks, surprising people, and placing ourselves in vulnerable situations. While it can be scary to make a decision like coming out of the closet, Mr. Ajayi in episode eight will tell Charlie (in a similar way Elle told Tao) that avoiding the challenges can be just as bad as the loneliness of hiding from them, and that that only causes us queers to disappear.
Similarly, Nick remarked to Imogen last episode, “Do you ever feel like you’re only doing things because everyone else is? And you’re scared to change? Or do something that might confuse or surprise people? Your real personality has been buried inside you for a really long time.” This is an important moment for Nick, because it shows that he understands that the loneliness of remaining untrue to himself is worse than the challenges of confusing and surprising people by revealing who he really is. In fact, in episode four, he also said he confused and surprised himself when he kissed Charlie for the first time while at Harry’s party. As we begin to make our way towards the conclusion of the series, in episode six, “Girls,” Nick’s conflict of keeping secrets begins to address how choosing to be honest and open can be a surprising change that confuses people, sometimes to devastating results, as we’ll see in episode seven. Fortunately, Nick now finds himself surrounded by some really amazing people who all have the most brilliant hearts of gold and who are so terribly, genuinely, and thoughtfully friendly to each other and who all provide the world with bright, shining beacons of hope for a world that will get better and a world where things will be the way they ought to be.
Meanwhile, Tao’s conflict of resisting the changes in the friend group begins to escalate because he also finds all these changes surprising and confusing, causing even Charlie to feel uncomfortable to be totally honest with him. Even Elle will remark that even though her recent changes have been good, she’s still had to deal with a lot of change lately and that too much change can be too much hard work. We will also see the conflicts of change play out in Darcy and Tara’s story as they deal with how their classmates react to their relationship, possibly foreshadowing things Nick may have to deal with in a second series. And while episode six will sensitively and delicately show how supportive our group of outcasts are as Nick and Tara and Darcy become more and more honest and open, this change will still deliver confusion and surprise that is just a little bit too much for some to handle, even closest friends like Tao.
The episode opens with another one of those amazing scenes between Olivia Colman and Kit Connor. I know I’ve said this before, but I just love seeing these two on screen together; their chemistry is reliably magnetic, and both actors bring such a sensitivity and warmth to the loving relationship that these two characters have. We get to watch them enjoy a pizza and movie night together, electing to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, Nick’s mum softly teasing him how much they used to watch it when he was eleven because he loved Keira Knightely so much. Nick seems embarrassed by this, Nick’s mum remarking, “What? She’s a very pretty girl.” We’ll return to these heteronormative comments later, as they seem to negate a little bit the loving relationship we observe on screen, but these comments will be beautifully resolved in a touching moment in episode eight, as we will soon see.
As Nick and his mum watch the movie, it’s clear that Nick still does seem to have a sexual attraction for Knightely, the camera going softly hazy as it struggles to focus on Nick’s eyes now mesmerized by her beauty. But his eyes also seem to be equally mesmerized by Orlando Bloom’s beauty as he and Knightely share a tender moment on screen together. Back in episode two, we got to observe Charlie comment to Tao and Isaac—who both had just referred to Nick as a “massive” and “ginormous heterosexual”—that not only can masculine guys be gay but also that “bisexual people exist.” It’s clear that Nick is feeling something for both actors on the screen, which prompts him to do a Google search not for “Am I gay?” as we saw in episodes two and three, but a search for bisexuality. Nick finds a vlogger (real-life Courtney Jai) who comments about how he has feelings for both boys and girls and how it felt “incredibly right” the first time he kissed a boy. Nick seems to see himself reflected so delicately in the vlogger, as the gently assured music of series composer Adiescar Chase provides a hopeful cue that Nick continues to make great strides in his journey towards truth and honesty, his Google search this time ending not in tears but in cautious optimism.
Later, however, the vlogger does comment how discovering his bisexuality involved lots of second-guessing, allowing a bit of frustration to seep through his commentary on his journey. And we also see that reflected in Nick as he begins to voice his questions aloud to his friends only to discover that their stories of self-discovery don’t seem to entirely reflect his or the vlogger’s. For example, we get to witness a tender moment between Nick and Charlie as they lie on a blanket together in a park, and Nick asks Charlie how he realized he was gay. And, as I commented back in my post for episode four, Charlie describes my story exactly as it was with me: “I’ve always been sort of aware of it even when I was really young. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s always been boys.” Even though this observation is a reflection of so many queers (Tara will also describe a similar experience later on in this episode), this doesn’t seem to reflect Nick’s journey, as he comments that that’s not how it has been for him and he still doesn’t know what he is. But Charlie is so sweet in this moment, comforting Nick, “You don’t have to figure it out right now,” Charlie’s brilliant heart of gold shining unapologetically as a beacon for Nick’s journey forwards and outwards.
While it’s clear that Nick is gradually revealing his true self, he still remains uncomfortable about so many things. As he and Charlie lean in together for a kiss in the park, a couple walks by and Nick quickly straightens up, removing himself from the tender moment out of fear of being noticed. But Charlie’s heart of gold shines brightly again as he comforts Nick not to be sorry that he’s unable to quite yet be fully himself. This is just another one of those lovely scenes that yet again shows the incredible chemistry Joe Locke and Kit Connor have on screen together, something that was already immediately obvious way back in episode one when they had their first conversation in the school corridor, but in this scene is all the more richer as an affectionate history between Nick and Charlie continues to broaden their characters and their relationship.
And Charlie isn’t the only bright, shining beacon of hope that Nick has in his life to guide him through the sometimes hazy, misty, grey, shadowy journey out of the closet. He also has Tara and Darcy. It’s during these many moments in episode six where this program’s themes of hope and optimism come into an especially sharp focus, shining a bright light on the way things ought to be. And while Heartstopper may present an impossibly idealistic world that may not necessarily be a reflection of reality, it is a vision and aspiration nonetheless that provides all of us—children, teenagers, and adults, regardless of our sexual identity—with a blueprint for how to behave, how to treat others, how to love ourselves, and how to love others.
Nick is provided such a blueprint while he has a lovely, private moment at school with Tara. The music students of Higgs and Truham both are coming together for the day to prepare for an orchestra concert. After Nick finishes walking Charlie to rehearsal and Charlie goes off to set up his drums, Tara comes by and asks Nick, “You and Charlie getting along well then?” We had already seen Nick reveal to Tara in episode three that Charlie is his best friend, but now we get to see Nick reveal to Tara, “We’re sort of going out,” and Tara just beams with happiness for him and is so accommodating when Nick asks her not to tell anyone else.
Later on, we also get to witness more shining beacons of hope when Nick, Tara, and Darcy all share lunch together, Darcy also equally happy for Nick, reacting in a way that is at once celebratory and also completely natural, the way it ought to be. Nick also reveals that Tara and Darcy are the first people he’s told about him and Charlie, and Tara in particular seems to feel incredibly honored that Nick felt so comfortable revealing all this to them both, placing an incredible trust within her about such a sensitive truth. “Does it feel good to have told someone?” Tara asks, and Nick, beaming, responds assuredly and optimistically, “Yeah, it really does,” Tara and Darcy sharing in his happiness to take a few more steps out of the closet. Later on, we also see Nick and Charlie doing homework together in Charlie’s bedroom, and Nick reveals to Charlie that he told Tara and Darcy that they are going out. “Oh my God, that’s amazing! You’re amazing!” Charlie exclaims as they share in some kisses, animations of flowers flitting about the screen.
I’ve remarked on this already, but this show just has so many moments like these that make me feel just so absolutely happy and hopeful, and the conversations between Nick, Tara, and Darcy and the moment Nick and Charlie share in Charlie’s bedroom are just more examples. But I think I might also partly be feeling a bit of melancholy that I did not have this kind of broad network of support during my adolescence, a great deal of that due to it being the 1990s, living in rural Minnesota, where shows like Queer as Folk weren’t even yet around; or bastions of liberalism like Star Trek are relegated to discussing queer issues in clumsily executed yet well-meaning episodes like “The Outcast” from The Next Generation, an example of an allegory that likely flew over most everyone’s heads; or supposedly liberal presidents championing a so-called “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy in the military, forcing us queers to disappear into the dark, shadowy corners of bottomless closets. Yet scenes like the moment Nick and Charlie share in Charlie’s bedroom help me to celebrate that kids can have adoringly loving friends like the ones we get to know in these first eight episodes of Heartstopper. And if this is hopelessly idealistic, then so be it! It is a much-needed vision of hope and love providing a beacon of light in a messed up world of would-be dictator presidents, rapist judges, do-nothing legislators, bigoted religions, violent aggressors, heartless murderers of elementary school children, and extremist white men holding bully pulpits of complacent hatred and poisonous evil.
And that evil is something that Heartstopper also doesn’t forget to address, even in the face of its cast of characters of bright, shining, golden heroes. Later in the episode when our group of outcasts are having milkshakes before the orchestra concert, Tara will remark that sharing certain things “changes everything, and not always for the better,” while sharing a knowing glance to Darcy. Tara is referring to her earlier observation to Nick: “Being out is hard. A lot of people will see you in a different way, and it is a lot to deal with,” and so it makes consistent sense that Tara would be so obliging to not tell anyone else about Nick and Charlie. Additionally, by this point in the series, all of Higgs knows that Tara and Darcy are lesbians and are dating, having posted more openly about it in their Instagrams. While their posts are celebrated by many with comments of congratulations and heart emojis, other comments disparagingly declare, “You don’t look like a lesbian,” or “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian lmao,” comments that Tara quickly deletes. Other classmates will even loudly comment in front of Tara and Darcy, “Lesbians are so disgusting,” and that they are “so gross.” While Darcy seems to be able to brush these slings to the side since she’s been out for awhile (in a similar way we’ll see Charlie do in episode seven, much to Nick’s worry and irritation), Tara is clearly visibly upset, and it all comes to a head towards the end of this episode right before the orchestra concert.
As they are setting up for the performance, Tara overhears someone in the orchestra meanly comment, “Don’t look at her. You’ll catch the lesbian disease.” Tara immediately storms off and Darcy follows where they accidentally get locked in the music instrument storage room due to a wonky door. While this is a distressing scene to watch, Tara so clearly hurt by how much people around her have changed since she came out, Darcy now provides Tara with a bright, shining beacon of hope in the same way Charlie did Nick in the park. Tara expresses, “Everything’s changed. I just wasn’t prepared for things to change. I didn’t think so many people would suddenly think I’m a completely different person. I wasn’t prepared for any of it. I don’t know how to behave anymore, and I just want to live my life. I still feel like I know nothing.” In this moment, the surprises and confusions of coming out clearly weigh very deeply on Tara, and it is so heartbreaking.
But Darcy is right there by her side, and humbly remarks, “I don’t know anything either. I don’t know anything about anything,” and then adds following Darcy’s desire to just want to live her life, “We can do that.” They share a lovely kiss together and then Darcy concludes, “I think it will get easier.” While this whole conversation takes place in a locked room that perhaps symbolizes the shackles that bullies impose on us queers, the room is tellingly still lit brightly in sunshiny hues, the same hues we consistently see Charlie and Nick lit in when they are in their form classroom, that room of hope and optimism, as opposed to the boys changing room, that room of secrets and conflicts and lies, that in episode three was lit severely, drawing out a pale blue version of the Truham school colors. This scene—so expertly played by Corinna Brown and Kizzy Edgell in another moment that highlights how thoughtfully this show was cast, highlighting the incredibly magnetic chemistry that these characters share on screen together—provides a bright, shining way forward even in the face of gross bullies.
While change can be surprising and confusing and hard, it can also be a slow process. But slow doesn’t necessarily mean bad. We witness just such a change within Elle, who early in the episode reveals to Tara and Darcy that she has a crush on Tao, and Tara and Darcy are so excited for her. But Elle is hesitant to reveal her feelings to Tao because he is her best friend and she also feels he doesn’t like her back, despite the visual cues the audience saw last episode, animations of hearts and stars flitting about both of them as they enjoyed the arcade together.
That said, Darcy can’t resist trying to set Tao and Elle up. Previously, she and Tara invited Nick and Charlie to a double date over milkshakes before the orchestra concert, and over a text message exchange between all four of them (using that characteristic use of splitscreen suggesting comic book panels), she suggests inviting Tao and Elle along, too, Nick excitedly texting, “So now it’s a triple date?” The next day when all six of them are enjoying the milkshakes, Darcy drops hints to both of them: “You make a cute little pair,” and, “You should be really good friends with the person you’re dating.” However, when Tao leaves the table with Nick and Charlie to get more milkshakes, Elle is visibly annoyed with Darcy for trying to set them up. Then a bit later when Nick and Charlie return while Tao waits for the last two milkshakes at the truck, Elle also finds out that Nick and Charlie were in on the setup as well. Yasmin Finney yet again provides us with another one of her masterful performances in underplayed emotional reactions, and it is just enough of a reaction to show what happens when certain journeys begin before someone is ready, providing us with a glimpse not only of what happens when things move too fast in a romantic relationship, but also perhaps when things move too fast in the coming-out process, recalling Tara’s sensitive advice to Nick: “Don’t feel like you have to come out to anyone before you’re ready.”
But sometimes knowing when you’re ready is very hard, as at this point in the series Tao is the only friend in the group who doesn’t know that Nick and Charlie are dating, and Charlie doesn’t yet appear ready to tell Tao. “I’m gonna tell him. I just need to find the right time,” he remarks. We’ll return to this strand of the plot more thoroughly in episodes seven and eight, but it is worthwhile to note this moment here as a symptom of Tao’s inner conflict to resist the changes in the friend group, as it continues to affect Charlie’s ability to be fully honest with his good friend.
Additionally, Nick’s conflict of keeping things a secret while also making great strides forwards and outwards towards openness and honesty also continues to converge upon Charlie, and we begin to see how much is being asked of him as these two inner conflicts of two people who are very dear to him begin to approach that breaking point that I’ve mentioned will happen in episode seven. Charlie addresses this before the orchestra concert starts as Nick is sharing Charlie’s stool at his drum kit: “We’ve been hanging out a lot and if people guessed we were together, if they started saying stuff about you, then I really don’t want you to have to deal with that.” But just seconds earlier, Nick unashamedly tells Charlie, “I like being with you,” when Charlie tells him that he’s really glad he came to the concert. It’s another sweet moment of many, and while Charlie’s comments foreshadow heart-wrenchingly sad moments in episodes seven and eight, we are yet again provided with those adept visual cues the tell us that things will be alright despite what the characters are saying on screen, Nick and Charlie’s conversation lit brightly in the blazingly orange and glittering golden hues of the sunshine, those optimistic colors of bright, shining light that assures us that despite all the conflict, there is a hopeful way forward.
And then, as Nick sits down to enjoy the orchestra concert, smiling brightly towards Charlie, three golden spotlights illuminate the orchestra, one each for Nick’s bright, shining beacons of hope and happiness who are playing in the orchestra: Darcy, Tara, and—of course—Charlie. What an episode this is! What role models these characters are! What an idealistic vision this show creates! What a world we can all work towards! What beacons of light and hope each of these characters are! Can such transcendent television celebrate hope, happiness, and love to even higher heights than we’ve already seen?
Yes, it can!
Final musings for episode 6:
- I love the moment in the music room when Darcy tells Tara that she’ll throw cheese at the other classmates who are making disparaging comments about how lesbians are gross, and Darcy says, “It always pays to be prepared with anti-homophobia cheese.” That said, while I do love the way Darcy tries to lighten things up, in episode seven I’ll be returning to Darcy’s ability to let the bullies’ comments roll off her sleeve, as sometimes that’s not necessarily the best response.
- It’s so cute when Tao and Elle arrive at milkshakes, Tao hilariously dancing towards her, Elle pretending to throw a dart, and Tao pretending to be pierced before they meet each other and hug.
- I also love it when Elle reveals to the group that she met Tao only because he came along as a package deal when she made friends with Charlie, and then Tao responds in his characteristic theatrics, exclaiming in a Scottish accent, “Rude!”
- It also was so cute when Charlie teases Nick for liking bubblegum flavored milkshakes. “That is a crime!” he exclaims. But then when Nick tries Charlie’s chocolate milkshake, Nick fears Charlie might be right. So Nick says, “We can share. We are on a date,” agreeing with Charlie that sharing drinks is the official rule of dating.
- Back in episode four, I noted how that episode contains the first moment in the series where we see Tao, Elle, Isaac, Tara, Darcy, Charlie, and Nick all in a single shot together right before the rugby match. Episode six, then, finally allows everyone in that group sans Isaac to appear in conversation together over milkshakes. It makes sense that Isaac doesn’t appear in the milkshake scene, as I’m not sure how the writing for that would work, but episode six starts to make it even more clear that I’m not sure there’s enough screen time to go around to include Isaac as equally as the rest. And this makes me sad.
- I also love it when Nick is holding Tara’s case as she assembles her clarinet, and Tara remarks, “Thanks, boy-I-kissed-one-time,” and Nick responds, “No problem, girl-I-kissed-one-time.”