“I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry I ran away last night. I was just freaking out because I was confused and surprised, and I’m having a proper full-on gay crisis. And it’s not that didn’t want to kiss you, I was just so confused. I’m just been so, so confused.”
By the end of episode three, we have a very clear idea of who the main characters of Heartstopper are and what makes them tick. We are also able to identify the two main conflicts that now drive the plot, and both conflicts are driven by a reaction to change: Nick’s inner conflict with trying to figure out his sexuality and allowing his real personality buried deep inside him to surface; and Tao’s inner conflict with how the friend group isn’t what it used to be. These two conflicts bleed into and inform the other strife that starts to appear with the rest of the characters, and we will see these conflicts begin to unravel and test the limits of love and friendship until it seems to reach an irreconcilable breaking point, ultimately both conflicts converging directly upon Charlie in episode seven, when this show’s persistent promise of a hopeful future where things will get better is cast in serious doubt. But, as usual, there are clever visual cues peppered throughout that help the audience to still believe that hope, happiness, friendship, and love will prevail… but sometimes even that is not enough.
We begin episode four, “Secret,” exactly where the previous episode ended, Nick outside and soaked in the steadily falling rain, framed in Charlie’s front door, both having just shared a few kisses the night before at Harry’s party, and who both seem distressed that something might’ve changed between them, for the worst and not the best. Nick tells Charlie that he wanted to talk in person rather than in text, and the desperation on his face is unmistakably weighing him down.
When they go upstairs to Charlie’s bedroom to talk, it’s Charlie who suddenly apologizes, uttering three times that “s-word,” as Nick will dub it in episode seven and which he already remarked that Charlie says too much. “I at least had to say sorry,” Charlie sorrowfully laments, placing the blame on the kiss that might’ve ruined their friendship squarely on himself. Nick earnestly implores Charlie to stop by speaking his name three times and then passionately kisses him. Then it is Nick who utters the s-word, albeit only twice, for running away the previous night. He also expresses how confused he’s been feeling, remarking that he’s having a “proper, full-on gay crisis,” but that he did want to kiss Charlie. The fear in Nick’s face is so authentic and so believable, expertly reflecting that real-world fear that we queers feel when we realize who we are.
Coming out, at least for me, was one of the most terrifying things I ever had to do. But even more terrifying was the moment several years before I came out when I made the realization that the feelings I was feeling were gay feelings, and that moment is firmly etched into my mind’s eye. Charlie, in episode six, will take the words right out of my mouth, describing my experience exactly as it was with him: “I’ve always been sort of aware of it even when I was really young. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s always been boys.” While it’s true that I, like Charlie, was always aware of my sexuality, it wasn’t until I was able to conceptualize a label around what I was feeling when an intense fear began to fester. And that’s when suddenly my whole world irrevocably changed before me.
So, too, in this moment with Nick, are we seeing that exact same, terrifying realization play out so realistically as Nick’s world permanently changes around him. While we did see Nick shed a tear in episode two when he received a “62% homesexual” rating from that silly online Ultimate Gay Quiz, it is in this moment that the fear about who he really is is on full display. And all his fear and anxiety is such a remarkable reflection of reality, and I empathize so deeply with both Nick and Charlie as they tenderly hug each other following Nick revealing his crisis. Joe Locke and Kit Connor are also such authentic actors, so talented and so thoughtful in their performances, that it’s hard to become distracted whenever they are on screen, especially when both of them share such a vulnerable moment like this together.
Before Nick leaves, he asks if he and Charlie could keep all this a secret. Nick still has a look of worry on his face when he asks this of Charlie, and Charlie also looks momentarily and ever so slightly distressed, both Nick and Charlie aware that they may be entering into another secret agreement like the one Charlie had with Ben, an agreement that caused Charlie much pain. This is Nick’s inner conflict now permeating outwards to affect Charlie’s happiness. Tellingly, however, Nick is wearing blue (the color of the boys changing room at school where we’ve come to associate conflict and lies) and Charlie is wearing a golden orange shirt (the color of their form classroom where we first met warm and comforting Nick, lit by the sunlight), so we can rest assured by these colors that while Nick is currently representing the conflict of the situation, Charlie is representing the reassuring warmth and comfort in the same way Nick did when we met him in episode one. More hopefully, however, is that when Nick leaves through the rain, he has an umbrella that is half gold and half blue, but it is the gold half of the umbrella that faces forward with the blue half following behind, suggesting that the future will still be bright and shining, despite Nick requesting this all be a secret.
But more tellingly still, after Nick walks down the street a bit, Charlie chases after him in the rain to kiss him one last time. And when the two actually do part, the camera hovers on Nick, the gold part of the umbrella more prominent in the shot, a sun beam streaks past the screen creating a prismatic rainbow that appears to be emanating from Nick’s smiling face. These visual cues in addition to the simple fact that Nick was already able to kiss Charlie on the street where others might see them, clearly point to that bright future the show keeps championing where things will get better and things will be the way they ought to be. Nick may need to keep things a secret for now, only because all of this is so brand new and different, but the striking visuals provide just enough symbols for us to know that the future will see brighter days.
The next morning at school, things continue to feel brighter, the hopelessly optimistic music of series composer Adiescar Chase underscoring the changes that have been happening, “good changes,” as Elle might describe them as we saw in episode three. Even Imogen, Nick’s friend, notices that something is different about him. And then when we see Charlie walk down the hall to form, a giant smile beaming across his face, he retraces the path down the corridor that he took during the moment when we first met him in episode one. Except this time, instead of meeting shadowy, secretive Ben in the dark library, we see Charlie meeting Nick in the bright, sunny form classroom. And it’s so sweet when they exchange their greetings of hi, similarly to when they first met in episode one, but now in episode four, that simple word, hi, has taken on a deeper meaning, representing so much positive change as both of them have gotten to know each other. It is just so heartwarming to watch.
When the noon hour comes, we see Nick and Charlie share lunch in the bright, open art room rather than a dark, shadowy library as we might have seen with Ben. Nick and Charlie talk about and acknowledge parallels between their secret and the one Ben made Charlie keep, and this clearly makes Nick uncomfortable, almost taking his hand out of Charlie’s before Charlie clasps both of his hands around Nick’s, assuring Nick that he is totally different from Ben. While the audience has been given visual cues that Nick is a symbol of generosity and warmth, the character only has Charlie’s word that he is totally different from Ben. But as we’ll see over the next few episodes, the secret that Nick is asking Charlie to keep weighs more and more heavily as both of them become closer and closer.
And it’s not without reason that Nick wants to keep this a secret, as Tara and Darcy’s story reveals more fully the strife that oftentimes accompanies queers when we come out of the closet, and their story helps us to empathize with Nick’s desire to stay closeted. By this point, the school is starting to learn that Tara and Darcy are lesbians since they kissed so openly at Harry’s party, and Tara herself is starting to feel more comfortable with kissing Darcy at school. During their lunchtime with Elle, the whole school is abuzz with gossip. Tara is clearly very distressed about all the commotion, and Elle remarks, “It’ll die down soon, won’t it?” This story will continue to address the challenges of coming out in a really meaningful and sensitive way, and while it is disheartening to see Tara so visibly upset, it is a necessary story to tell in order for the audience to understand what can oftentimes be a painful process and to allow us to recognize Nick’s motivation to stay closeted.
This episode also allows more of Tao’s inner conflict to unravel a bit, and his fears and anxieties become highly predictive as we’ll see in episode seven. Tao explicitly names his conflict to Elle while they are watching Charlie’s rugby match between Truham Boys School and St. John’s Sports Academy. There’s a moment where Tao sees Harry talking with Charlie on the pitch, and Tao is worried that Harry’s picking on him (he is, of course, bitingly teasing Charlie that one of the opposing rugby players has a crush on him). Elle suggests they could just be friends, but Tao is undeterred, adamantly countering, “Charlie’s befriending bullies, and our friendship group is falling apart.” Additionally, earlier in the episode, we had also seen Tao air more of his frustrations to Isaac when they were having lunch outside together without Charlie, Tao remarking disparagingly that he’s probably having lunch with Nick again, and adding, “It’s a bad idea to even walk near [the rugby players] let alone actually befriend one of them. Charlie’s putting himself in danger just because he has a little unrequited crush.”
At this point in the series, Tao’s remarks seem a little dramatic, partly because we have seen how sweet Nick can be towards Charlie, but—at the same time—we have seen how nasty the rugby boys can be, as in episode one, and more specifically, how nasty Harry can be, as in episode three and this one. So the fact that Tao is so worried that Charlie is actually in danger is not only an incredibly touching admission of how deep Tao’s love for Charlie is, but it also becomes a remarkably prescient moment, once we reach episode seven.
Sadly, this tension between Tao and the rugby boys (Nick in particular) also builds in a much more tangible way. As the rugby boys are walking by Tao and Isaac during lunch, Harry rudely throws the ball at Tao and it strikes him in the face. When Nick comes by to see if he’s all right, Tao refuses to give the ball back, instead waiting to throw it at Nick’s back as he walks away. It’s so heartbreaking to watch this tension unravel, and this is where that tension begins to really stretch the limits of love and friendship. At the same time, it is also so admirable to witness Tao’s desire to protect Charlie with such great zeal, Tao becoming one of those bright glittering stars outshining worlds of terror, stamping out bullies, even though it is manifested in an intense dislike towards not just all the rugby boys, but Nick in particular.
The episode then circles back to Nick’s conflict and his desire to keep everything between him and Charlie a secret, and the rugby match that Truham plays against St. John’s literally does become dangerous, all the rugby boys a symbol for the danger that Tao is worried Charlie is already enmeshed in. At the end of the match, Charlie tries to tackle one of the St. John’s boys, fails, and is cast violently to the ground with a bloody nose, symbolizing the verbal slings that Harry had previously sent flying to puncture Charlie’s humanity. As Charlie lies broken on the muddy pitch, Nick calls out his name but is unable to do what we all know he really wants to do: go to him, take him in his arms, hug him, and make sure he’s alright. Nick then flashes back to the moment when he asked Charlie to keep all of this a secret, animations of rain falling over Charlie’s dejected face, Charlie the one uttering, “Keep this a secret.”
This is just all so, so sad! While it was horrible watching Harry’s homophobia on full, unedited display in episode three, it is just so, so heartbreakingly sad watching not only Tao’s worry for Charlie’s safety escalate, but also so, so sad seeing Charlie’s crumpled body in the soggy grass, Nick unable to comfort him, the realization dawning on him the weight of the secret that Nick is asking Charlie to keep and the danger Charlie is in by associating with the rugby lads. It is horrible, but it is a symptom of the not-quite perfect world we live in, and it remains so important for Heartstopper to show moments like this, shining a hazy, dingy light on the dark underside of a messed up world of terror yet unconquered by brilliant, shining stars.
While we do get a special moment following the match when Nick visits Charlie in the nurse’s office as he tends to his nose, it is frustratingly truncated. Charlie expresses how he’s sorry for being so clingy and messing up the secret (Darcy earlier had remarked that he and Nick seemed “suspiciously couple-y”), but then Nick begins to express his apologies, staring Charlie deep into his eyes, but is interrupted when Isaac brings some antiseptics. Isaac clearly knows that something deeper is happening between the two the way he awkwardly excuses himself from the room. Even though Charlie assures Nick that Isaac won’t say anything, the subtle look on Nick’s face is one of profound frustration and sadness, as it is clear that he doesn’t know how to navigate being romantically involved with Charlie while also remaining in the closet.
And then, as if the episode couldn’t dish out more frustration and conflict, Imogen corners Nick after he checks in with Charlie, and she asks him out on a date in front of all the other rugby boys. Tao and Elle also witness this, and while it’s clear that Nick desperately wants to turn her down, he can’t in that moment figure out a way to say no. So he accepts her offer, much to the confusion of not just Tao and Elle but Nick himself. It’s telling that in this moment, Nick is also surrounded by the seats of the empty pitch, all colored blue, that color of conflict and lies.
And while this show is so good at presenting us with visual cues (a stray sunbeam or a prismatic rainbow) that hint that the future will be bright despite what anyone on screen is saying, this is a key moment where those hopeful clues aren’t present. And for the first time, an episode of Heartstopper concludes on a note of deeply troubling uncertainty, presenting a world where sometimes bullies win, stamping out the bright, shining stars of our heroes, suspending the ongoing, difficult work towards a better future, where the days of tomorrow may be darker than the days of today.
Final musings for episode 4:
- When Nick and Charlie are at lunch, Nick is worried about how Charlie’s friends will feel that he’s dumping them for Nick to have lunch. But Charlie coldly responds, “They can deal with it.” This is a somewhat troubling and uncharacteristic moment to witness of Charlie who previously had always been shown to be so grateful for his friends, but it is a fault that Charlie will acknowledge with Tao in episode eight, a moment that allows us to see how these characters are able to change their habits for the better.
- We had previously seen in earlier episodes how much Tao cares for Elle, but when we see their text exchanges this episode, both expressing how much they both miss each other, it’s so clear by this point that Tao and Elle might now actually be more than just friends. This story will pick up more momentum in episodes five and six.
- I really started to fall in love with Coach Singh (Chetna Pandya) this episode, who stands up for Charlie at every turn. “Lots of gay people are good at sports, Charlie!” she says when Charlie is worried that the whole team is labeling him the stereotypical gay boy who can’t do sports.
- This is the first episode where we at last get to see all the core cast on screen in a single shot when Tao, Elle, Isaac, Darcy, and Tara show up to watch the rugby match. We’ll get treated to another more special moment with most of them in episode six.
- When everyone is watching the rugby match, I just love Tao asking, “Does anyone remember the rules of rugby, because I don’t,” and everyone responds deadpan, “No.”
- Also during the rugby match, I love how Elle comments that Tao’s nightmare scenario is when Tao worries, “Next thing you know, Charlie will be bringing the whole rugby team to our film night and making us watch Avengers or something.”
- Lastly, I feel that this episode is where William Gao as Tao really comes into his own as he plays the part. Gao develops an enduring theatricality in his performance, a theatricality that breaks the surface ever so slightly a few times during this episode. Towards the end of the episode, for example, Tao thinks Elle’s new friends, Tara and Darcy, are cool, and he worries that they might be replacing him, and Elle responds, “As if anyone could replace your incredibly annoying, loud presence in my life,” and Tao teases with a grumbly but playful, “How dare you!” They both share a laugh, and it is just such a sweet moment during an episode filled with more conflict we have yet seen this entire series so far.